Chapter 6 of the unpublished 1980s blockbuster Scythe Hockey and Other New Age Sports, by F.R. Duplantier, Alan Huard, and Sid Berger:
DISCLAIMER: This excerpt is not meant to be taken seriously. The sport described here is dangerous, and only an idiot would attempt to play it. Don’t be an idiot.
The world’s most popular sport remained unappreciated in the United States until recently. Now, ironically, the U.S. has made a vital contribution to the first significant development in the game since the origination of soccer. It all started with a high school math teacher and soccer coach from the tiny country of Belize who was taken to see a baseball game while visiting family members in the States. Knowing nothing about baseball, he was most impressed with the lead bat swung in the warmup circle. “If I could get my soccer players to warm up with a lead soccer ball, maybe they would play faster,” thought Roxo Bernardo.
When he returned to Belize, Bernardo persuaded a friend to make him a sixteen-pound soccer ball for his players to use at practice. But the coach had underestimated Latin machismo. Playing with the metal ball became a status symbol, a sign of toughness. In fact, Bernardo’s charges flatly refused to play with the regular soccer ball, which they now called “juega de niñas,” or “a game for little girls.” The new game’s popularity quickly spread far beyond the borders of the tiny Central American country, and Sixteen-Pound Soccer became an international symbol of athletic toughness.
How to Play
Sixteen-Pound Soccer is played according to traditional soccer rules on a traditional soccer field. The only variations in equipment are the substitution of a sixteen-pound, leather-covered metal ball and the use of wire mesh fencing for nets. While the rules have remained the same, the application of those rules has been altered dramatically by the heavier ball. At the high school and playground levels, the pace has been slowed down considerably, to the delight of spectators who are elderly or new to the sport. At the college or professional level, speed is slightly decelerated, but power has definitely replaced finesse. For example, strikers no longer have to worry about deceiving goalies with elaborate dodging and feinting. Instead, if enough momentum is achieved with the ball, the most effective strategy may be to aim the shot directly at the goalie and watch him jump aside instinctively.
Soccer fans may notice other subtle differences. Dribbling the ball (more appropriately named now than ever before) requires constant switching of feet to avoid overdevelopment of any one limb. Head shots are not as common, but they can still play an important role in the overall game plan and should be practiced. A cloth skull cap is occasionally worn by persons specializing in headshots, and the wearers have become known as yarmulkemikazes. Special leg exercises are recommended to build up the strength necessary for lofting the ball.
Goalies must be particularly careful during the game, because they are the only ones allowed to touch the ball with their hands and to throw the ball. There have been numerous instances in which teams have lost a sweeper or center back to a carelessly thrown ball from the goalie. Goalies also run the risk of a penalty shot for throwing the ball at an opponent facing the opposite direction. However, it is legal for any other player to aim any other shot at a member of the opposing team.
Because momentum is so important to the progress of the ball down the field and the ultimate success of the team, offensive players will often cluster around the ball until sufficient momentum is achieved. To counteract this strategy, the defense has found it increasingly necessary to sacrifice. Here, one of the less-talented players throws his body in front of the path of the ball so as to stop it without using his hands. This effective ploy was quite prevalent until recently amongst East European teams. In tightly contested matches, it is not unusual to see one sacrifice after another in the late stages of play, until no reserve players are left. There is no penalty if one side continues to sacrifice past the point of manning a full team; however, once both squads are left only with goalies, the game is considered a tie.
Looking for a Game?
If you don’t know any Sixteen-Pound Soccer players, but want to learn to play, don’t worry, because it’s easy to recognize regular participants. The distinguishing characteristics they acquire are prized and should not be confused with “unearned” congenital anomalies. Look for these telltale signs:
El dente. Any slightly soft spot on the body caused by the impact of the ball.
Shoe Horns. Flat feet resulting from repeated miscalculations of the position of the ball relative to the feet.
Thighrise. Characterized by excessive development of leg muscles. Although these features swell to unusual proportions, the rest of the body remains the same, often resulting in an apelike gait. Most players agree that the frustrations of buying a suit off the rack are more than offset by the status achieved.
Con cavo. Refers to the bowl shape assumed by the cranium after an improperly executed head shot.
Tofu. (Pronounced Toe-few.) A condition caused by the constant kicking of the ball with the toes. The name was coined by a female sportswriter reminded of the misshapen feet of traditional Japanese women. “I tried to come up with a meaningful term that sounded Japanese,” she said. Despite its cuteness, the name has stuck.