Chapter 10 of the unpublished 1980s blockbuster Scythe Hockey and Other New Age Sports, by F.R. Duplantier, Alan Huard, and Sid Berger:
DISCLAIMER: This excerpt is not meant to be taken seriously. The sport described here is dangerous, and only an idiot would attempt to play it. Don’t be an idiot.
Kilt jokes aside, Scotsmen have always projected an earthier, more manly image than their English “cousins.” It’s no surprise, then, that when the English were making a habit of afternoon teatime, the men at St. Andrew’s Club in Scotland were outside with wooden clubs inventing afternoon tee times. Nevertheless, golf began as, and has largely remained, a country club sport, enjoyed by people who are equally at home sipping from, or putting to, the cup.
But now there’s Urban Golf, which moves the game out of suburban country clubs and into convenient downtown settings. Urban Golf retains enough elitism to appeal to the rich while also allowing easy participation by the masses — who, up till now, have been missing links.
A Matter of Course
Like traditional golfers, Urban Golfers use a set of clubs to hit a dimpled white ball into a shallow cup. The difference is in the course they play on. Urban Golfers play from rooftop to rooftop, usually in the business districts of cities and towns. Since most rooves on commercial buildings are used for nothing more than supporting antennas and housing air conditioning compressors, this use of an ignored resource has been widely supported by the business community. In fact, some buildings have capitalized on the game by charging “roof fees.”
Buildings open to Urban Golfers are usually maintained by roofkeepers, who are responsible for collecting payments from the golfers and for keeping the area clear of excessive bird droppings. Buildings in prime locations may charge five dollars or more to play, while others, in the interest of good public relations, charge nothing at all. The most spectacular buildings around the world may charge as much as $1000, but this fee may be less if part of a package that includes hotels and transportation during the off season.
Still, it is not hard to play an inexpensive round of Urban Golf. Maps are becoming increasingly available with listings of all rooves open and their charges. Although every city has its most popular courses, you are free to create your own. In large cities, this means unlimited possibilities. It is also common to “play around” the more expensive buildings.
It is true that almost any collection of buildings can be called an Urban Golf course. Nevertheless, some buildings are played with such regularity that they become “official.” Such courses invariably have their 18th hole in a building housing a bar, which serves as the 19th hole. Many “official” courses also have a clubhouse, usually located in the sporting goods section of the nearest department store.
Driving Instructions
On a flat-roofed building, par is based on the theory that the ball never needs to hit the ground, with the usual two putts to finish the hole. Random placement of the hole on severely slanted, odd-shaped, or heavily-obstructed rooves will usually increase the number of putts allowed to reach par.
An expert Urban Golfer never touches street level except to get to the next rooftop. Although the hole is usually within driving distance (by club, that is), occasionally a course incorporates holes so long or of such steep ascent that the golfer is obliged to attain several intermediate rooves before securing a reasonable shot at the “green.” There is no penalty for missing the rooftop on the drive, other than the necessary strokes to return ball to the roof — whether through the air, by elevator, or otherwise.
When a building’s roof is just barely outside a player’s driving distance, it is usually advantageous for him to aim for a window on a lower floor and chip to the elevator. To avoid potential holdups to play, it is best to aim for windows of rooms that appear to be vacant.
Any shot that bounces off the wall of one building into the intended hole of another building is a bank shot and is considered noteworthy. If the building upon which the ball is banked happens to be a bank, the player’s name usually makes it into the local sportswriter’s column.
With many a shot failing to reach its desired destination, the average weekend and lunch-hour golfer, as expected, seldom achieves par. Depending on the height of the building and the number of people on the street, “spotters” with binoculars are occasionally hired to follow the path of a ball. Even with spotters, however, play during or immediately after a snowstorm is not recommended.
Exceptions to the Rules
Urban Golf adheres to the traditional rules of golf, aside from a few minor exceptions. For one thing, there is no out-of-bounds. Balls are played as they lay. Say a ball slices off and lands on the roof of a taxi heading for the airport. The golfer can either follow the taxi and play the ball off its roof fromthe cabstand at the terminal, or he can phone the dispatcher and pay to have the hack return to the playing area. There is a three-stroke penalty for a sewer ball, or any other irretrievable shot. A ball hit onto an elevator, however, incurs a one-stroke penalty, but the ball may ride to any floor. In this case, pushing the elevator button is considered equivalent to a shot. Any ball seized as evidence by an officer of the law may be replaced without penalty other than civil or criminal.
Classic Urban Golf Courses
Paris. A high-culture, high-calorie course starting at the Louvre and ending atop the Eiffel Tower. In between are the rooves of the best museums and restaurants in the world.
St. Petersburg. Its many picturesque cupolas make this course a real challenge. Admittance to many of the buildings is still restricted, as well, with the result that completion of a single round may take a year or more.
Rome. Who can ever forget the thrill of slicing a 5 iron off the top of St. Peter’s into a centuries-old stained glass window?
New York. One of the world’s highest, this course offers underground transportation from tee to “green.” A special Broadway course allows the golfer so inclined to take in most of the shows. Less expensive but often just as entertaining is the nearby off-Broadway course.
Cairo. Finding 18 pyramids to consitute a course may be next to impossible, but completing even one hole is an accomplishment in itself.