Chapter 8 of the unpublished 1980s blockbuster Scythe Hockey and Other New Age Sports, by F.R. Duplantier, Alan Huard, and Sid Berger:
DISCLAIMER: This excerpt is not meant to be taken seriously. The sport described here is dangerous, and only an idiot would attempt to play it. Don’t be an idiot.
You haven’t experienced the real excitement of football until you’ve dived over the center at Teotihuacan, run around the end at the Acropolis, or scored on the steps of the Vatican. Exotic locations like these are but a few of the literally thousands of playing fields that are being discovered all over the world for Staircase Football, the dynamic new sport that’s turning conventional football topsy-turvy.
Actually, Staircase Football is just the standard American version with a new slant, usually about 30 degrees. The obvious difference, of course, is that it’s played on stairs — the taller and wider the better. Throughout the country, spectators are pouring into stadiums as always. But now it’s the fans who stand on the field to view their favorite teams clashing from bench to bench in the bleachers. One reason for the rapid growth of the sport is that Staircase Football is for everyone, everywhere.
Whether your game is fully-equipped tackle or informal afternoon touch, you now have greater access than ever before to a wide variety of playing fields. State capitols, public libraries, college administration buildings, office plazas, and even houses of worship can usually provide outstanding gridirons right in your own hometown. And if your means permit, monuments, palaces, and cathedrals around the world offer internationally respected fields that are truly incomparable. Needless to say, the fuller the team, the larger the staircase needed. But there’s still a lot of enjoyment to be had from a little game of Three-Man on a handy fire escape.
Identical to standard football in all respects but the playing field, Staircase Football may be played either up-and-down or side-to-side.
Up-and-Down Play
In this version, the team headed downstairs enjoys certain advantages. In offense, for instance, tremendous gains can be achieved on passing plays. You’ve never realized what an arm your quarterback has until you’ve seen him hurl a bomb down 80 or 90 steps. Any backfield running play in which the ball carrier can gain momentum before contacting a defensive player is hard to stop. Diving over the center of the line is particularly effective, since the ball carrier can literally roll over the defense, traveling ten or fifteen yards before touching the ground.
Two cautions are in order for the team heading down. First, even a moderately strong kicker must exercise restraint on kickoffs and punts, lest the ball travel far beyond the end zone. Second, regarding the fumble, bear in mind that any release of the ball automatically sends it tumbling down toward the opposing team.
On defense, a responsive line and a quick rush can stop just about any play that tries to come up through the center. As for passing plays, the defender should give the ascending receiver a little extra room, for he can be down on him in an instant to stop any advancement by air.
There are no special advantages for a team headed upstairs — with the sole exception, of course, of games played on department store escalators.
Side-to-Side Play
The advantages enjoyed by the team moving downstairs in an Up-and-Down game are open to both sides in this version. Each team has both a high and a low side, and may use this slope to its advantage. Needless to say, the offense tends to gain greater yardage whenever the play moves to the downstairs side.
Dream Fields
Once you’ve begun to enjoy all that Staircase Football has to offer, you’ll want to experiment with new playing fields. Different slopes, step heights, widths, and surface textures are but a few of the variables that make each field unique. Some of our favorites:
U.S. Capitol, Washington, DC. A classic. Be sure to try both north and south entrances. You may even catch a glimpse of one of the regular House vs. Senate games.
The Bourse, Paris. This extremely wide but shallow flight is best suited to the Side-to-Side version.
The Holy Gatl, Calcutta. Play Up-and-Down on this one. A touchdown plunges you right into the Ganges.
Lincoln’s Memorial, Hogenville, KY. This five-tiered flight will carry your game to new plateaus.
Porta Coeli, Puerto Rico. Ancient and irregular. A real challenge any way you play it.
San Juan Teotihuacan, Mexico. Among the temples and the pyramids, imaginative teams will discover at least a dozen different fields.
Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York NY. Once you get used to the handrails, you’ll find this site large enough to accommodate just about any size game.
Charlotte Amalie, Virgin Islands. Several Staircase Football passing records have been set on the long, steep fields that run throughout this football-crazy town.
The Spanish Steps, Rome. This is one of the finest gridirons you’ll ever play. Try it with the fountain in bounds.