The Year in Verse
A Politickles Retrospective
The “insurgents” were government spies
Who were dressed in a MAGA disguise?
It was all misdirection
To hijack an election?
Does this come as a total surprise?
I don’t care what a talk show host thinks
And would rather enjoy forty winks:
I will pass on his rants
And his catchphrasing chants
‘Cause his pandering programming stinks.
We’re not watching the stupid debate.
We don’t care how protagonists prate.
We know Donald’s the one
Who will get the job done.
All the others are just second-rate.
“So the guy is accustomed to brag, huh?
And his tongue is loose, likely to wag, huh?
Let’s make sure he’s not heard,
That he can’t say a word,
And so stifle the terrorist MAGA.”
There’s this girl in a horror show feature
And a monster who’s trying to reach her,
So to frighten and scare
By inhaling her hair:
It’s Joe Biden, the sleazy swamp creature.
Are you crazy or some kind of chump?
Was a paddle applied to your rump?
Though you try and you try,
You cannot stop this guy:
There’s no way you can gag Donald Trump!
Trust the plan? Trust the plan? Trust the plan?
Well, I will, if I possibly can,
But, before I do so,
I’m afraid I must know:
What’s the plan? What’s the plan? What’s the plan?
AG James, overflowing with bile,
Has resorted to tactics so vile
That are more than grotesque
And, indeed, Kafkasque:
She, herself, is the one that’s on trial.
“There’s no evidence,” Democrats say
When displaying dishonest dismay.
“Biden’s only big bad
Is he’s such a good dad.”
That’s the best they can do? That’s their play?
“Get a life!” my detractors will bray
To disparage the things that I say.
I ask, “What’s it to you
If I happen to do
Rhymes and riddles and wacky word play?”
Congressmen who are ninety years old,
Congressmen who are covered in mold,
Congressmen who can’t walk,
Congressmen who can’t talk,
Congressmen who just do what they’re told.
WRAY OF MOONSHINE
“I can honestly say, sir, that I’m
At a loss what to say at this time:
I can’t say yes or no
‘Cause I don’t want to show
That I’m guilty of this or that crime.”
“We must resolutely ignore
That it proved ineffective before,
That no one was protected
From being infected,
‘Cause we’re going to do it once more.”
“Okay, maybe I’m not very bright
And my talents, if any, are slight,
I may not be adept,
Maybe even inept,
But my dad is the president, right?”
It is hard to play tennis alone,
It is hard to play chess on your own,
It is so hard to do
Anything that takes two
When your partner is not in the zone.
It’s too late when the moment is past,
The abduction is frightfully fast,
It’s the worst of your fears
When your child disappears,
And forever your heartache will last.
PENCE ON FIRE
He pretends to be loyal to Trump
And continually kisses his rump,
Then goes on the attack,
Stabbing Trump in the back:
What a lying, ridiculous chump!
“Re-indict me ’cause it feels so good.
Re-indict me like I knew you would.
You’re playing checkers, yes?
Well, I’m playing chess.
I’m so excited ’cause I’m re-indicted, hey hey.”
(H/T to Peaches & Herb)
ONE TO MANY
If those geniuses really had known me,
They would not have consented to clone me.
Once I had my own double,
I became twice the trouble.
Now those geniuses want to disown me.
“I don’t worry about inflation
Or the safety of our nation:
All that matters to me
Is my family
And our quest for grotesque compensation.”
WHAT’S THE USAGE?
Don’t confuse “who” and “whom,” for my sake,
Don’t say “bring” when you mean to say “take,”
Don’t say “lay” when it’s “lie,”
If it’s “me,” don’t say “I.”
Watch your language and give me a break.
“When I see things that no one else sees,
I’m compelled to communicate these
As a warning to you
Who know not what you do,
And whose God you are bound to displease.”
It’s a magical place in the sun!
Cartoon characters greet everyone!
You’ll be kidnapped and raped
Come on in, all you kids, and have fun!
“I was shot in the back of the head,
Or, perhaps, I was strangled instead.
Don’t let logic deceive:
Though it’s hard to believe,
It was suicide. That’s why I’m dead.”
Such behavior and no one complains?
Such a lunatic should be in chains!
It’s as plain as can be
And a toddler can see
That the emperor has no brains.
Overbearing and maybe too stern?
Did I not leave them leeway to learn?
Is that why they left
And I now am bereft?
How I long for my children’s return!
This week’s deadline has gotten too tight.
Can you write me a limerick tonight,
With a joke or a pun –
What? You’re already done?
Say, that sounds like a limerick I’d write.
TEACHER’S PET PEEVE
“I will try to remember your names,
But reject any petulant claims:
What ‘your pronouns’ are
Is a bridge too far
And I won’t play ridiculous games.”
“We were so far ahead! How’d we choke?
We were basking in bucks! Now we’re broke?
There is no more demand
For our popular brand.
We were sleeping, but thought we were woke.”
“Opportunity knocks, let it in.
Captive workers and voters: win, win.
Votes and labor are free
Once you buy them from me.
So much money to make, let’s begin.”
“Though we had a nice dinner and chat,
It still seems that our first date fell flat:
I just have to admit
I like girls who are fit,
And not girls who are morbidly fat.”
You’re not serving the public, you asses.
What have you ever done for the masses?
What you’ve done was for you.
Now repayment is due.
We’re not giving you any more passes.
I’ve implanted a chip in my brain
So I don’t have to study or train:
I can think any thought
Without being taught,
And without any effort or strain.
THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLEY
Drag queen shows for the kids he won’t spurn,
Lest he be criticized as too stern.
A recruit who’s transgender?
He will gladly defend “her.”
No, white rage is his only concern.
Little Johnny’s in one of his moods.
Easter morning, he silently broods:
Stead of sugary sweets
And chocolaty treats,
In his basket are “healthier” foods.
“By my ‘friends’ I was astounded,
Then by enemies surrounded.
I am hopeful still:
If it be Your will,
Let Your vengeance be unbounded.”
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIE
How did Silicon Valley Bank
Of a sudden go straight down the tank,
And did they foresee
Bail them out with a check that was blank?
Our guests offer laudatory toasts
To praise us for being good hosts;
We are volubly vaunted
In a house that is haunted:
Our guests are two garrulous ghosts.
There were popes who protected the Church,
But with Francis we’re left in the lurch:
If the gospel is “green,”
What does anything mean?
Is it time to begin a new search?
All the “experts” have egg-spurted faces,
Having covered up China lab traces:
It’s no longer a mystery
And they can’t rewrite history
To get back in the public’s good graces.
“There is nothing like a dame,
There is nothing you can name
That offers such pleasure
In equivalent measure –
Except a video game.”
“So much effort involved, such a blow!
Now my science project is no-go!
My cool weather balloon
Was shot down by some goon,
And that’s why I have nothing to show.”
We have something that we share
That needs maintenance and repair:
We can let it rot,
Watch it go to pot,
Or fix it if we care.
GAIN OF UNCTION
To the ways of the world, I am numb.
You may think it’s because of the rum.
May my flesh be anointed
On the day that’s appointed.
I’ve no fear of the fate that’s to come.
Maxine Waters is ugly and mean,
Just the ugliest woman we’ve seen:
She is no lover girl,
But could be cover girl –
On the cover of Mad Magazine!
There’s a tag on the back of Joe Biden
That he ought not to be taking pride in,
And it says “Made in China,
Not intended for minors.”
Maybe Joe should go back into hidin’?
“Pay attention and do not forget it.
If you do, Joe, you’ll surely regret it.
All those classified docs
That you have in that box,
You do know that they have to be Vetted?”
An intelligence agency tries
To fill media outlets with spies:
With professional plants
And suborned sycophants
Who are feeding us nothing but lies.
“Since your viewpoints so often offend,
Our relationship now has to end:
You cannot come this year
To share holiday cheer,
And our invite we hereby rescind.”