The Year in Verse
A Politickles Retrospective
This year was a year that was junk,
This year as a year really stunk,
This year was all wrong
And it lasted too long:
This year was the year of the skunk.
FREE WILL OFFERING
“It was worth it, in spite of the bill:
I’m transhuman, I’m happy, and still
In a state of sheer bliss,
With not one thing I miss,
Not even the loss of free will.”
MARY, DID YOU KNOW . . .
How fast the faith would grow,
How far the faith would go,
And that some day
Faith would fade away,
Replaced by ho ho ho?
You sang sweet as a bird,
The ugliness was blurred,
That vulgar song
Enthralled the throng,
And the words were never heard.
“I’M MASKING FOR A FRIEND”
So you say when you want to pretend
And excuse how far over you’ll bend,
But the more you comply,
The more freedom will die:
That’s not something you do for a friend.
In addition to boiled shrimp and crab,
Goose pâté, artichokes, gumbo zab,
Crawfish bisque, and wild rice:
A syringe filled with spice,
’Cause the turkey is getting the jab.
I let out a big ear-piercing wail
And my face turns perceptibly pale.
“That is not what I weigh,”
I indignantly say
Every time that I step on a scale.
It isn’t our fault this is late,
It goes out Monday mornings at eight,
We’ve not altered the time
That we send out our rhyme,
But the clock gets pushed back on this date.
Halloween has become a big bore.
I don’t like it as much as before.
What’s the reason? you ask.
I’ve been wearing a mask
For so long it’s no fun anymore.
“Maybe this time we’ll give you a pass,
But, beware, we won’t tolerate sass:
Parents, do as you’re told
And you’ll get stars of gold.
Otherwise, you’ll be kept after class.”
“Hunter, shake a few trees in Iran,
In Ukraine, Belarus, Pakistan.
Who knows what might just drop
To enrich you and Pop?
C’mon shake, Hunter, shake! C’mon, man!”
“Trust the plan! Trust the plan! Trust the plan!”
So we’re told by the QAnon clan.
We would like to comply,
But we have to ask why
We should trust such a nebulous plan.
“Xi Jinping get idea and he hire us:
Chairman say that he greatly desire us
To create something new
And release Wuhan Flu,
So to make secret weapon of virus.”
The election was just as we thought, it
Was tainted by mountains of fraud, it
Was stolen from Trump
On behalf of a chump,
And that’s just a single state’s audit.
Though our enemies cannot abide us
And forever will try to divide us
With distinctions that vex
Such as class, race, and sex,
Our invincible lord’s here to guide us.
Has your patience worn thin, Comrade Joe?
Well, that’s funny! In case you don’t know,
You serve us, you big clown,
Not the other way round,
And it’s time for your dumb ass to go.
Put a big plastic bag on your head
Or a pair of pink Pampers instead:
Now you’re safe from the virus
And, if you expire, it’s
Your own stupid fault that you’re dead.
What a pompous, incompetent pain!
While Afghanistan goes down the drain,
He’s a CRT sage,
Obsessed with “white rage”:
Is he lacking a spine or a brain?
For months they did beseech
Us to practice what they preach.
Now their job is done
And they have won
As we censor our own speech.
When we went to the auditorium
To demand an audit from all of them,
Public servants said no
’Cause they knew it would show
There should be a total recall of them.
CRITICAL RICE THEORY
If you want your results to be nice,
Here’s some boiling and steaming advice:
Cooked too short or too long,
It will come out all wrong.
That’s the thing about dishes with rice.
While trying to shed needed light,
I said things that made people uptight –
About the election
And the Chinese infection –
And what do you know? I was right.
It’s not good enough for me
That nine of ten agree:
They might be blind
Or out of their minds,
And the tenth the one to see.
There once was a fellow named Phil
Who paid money to hike up a hill,
But he soon got tired
And then required
A rebate on his bill.
There was a commuter named Peter
Who sank quarters all day in a meter:
He simply would not
Use a pay parking lot,
Even though it would have been cheaper.
I’m so scared, and so are you!
What on earth are we to do?
Together, we cry,
“We’re going to die!”
It’s the scary-berry flu!
Here’s a joke, but it isn’t so great:
“Knock, knock!” “Who’s there?” “Vaccinate.”
I warned you, but now it’s too late.
Never mind what you do or you say,
You’re the source of all evil today.
If you don’t fit this dictum,
Then you must be a victim:
If you’re white, you’re a racist, okay?
We’re connecting and soon we’ll all see
That it’s time for a new world to be:
We outnumber our “masters”
And can depose the bastards
If only we dare to live free.
What I write I’m forbidden to say
By the terms of a strict NDA,
And you won’t ever see
Any bylines for me,
But my name’s on the checks that they pay.
If the number of voters is x
And the number who do vote half x,
I’m afraid I can’t see
How it ever could be
That the total votes cast is 2x.
You may think that we’re deplorable,
But the fact is we’re adorable:
We are tried, we are true,
We outnumber you,
And that means we’re unignorable.
“Was that Karen conserved in a cask?
Did she not get the memo?” we ask.
“The pandemic she fears
Has been over for years.
Tell us why does she still wear a mask?”
QUEEN OF DENIAL
I’ll see something that doesn’t belong
And again she will sing the same song:
Not once ever has she
Said she’s sorry to me
Or admitted she did something wrong.
MEA CULPA COUNTY
“We’ve got lots of explaining to do,
As the scandal’s far worse than we knew.
This was no accident,
This stage-managed event:
What we have on our hands is a coup!”
In your minds, foolish fallacies furled
And pretentious impieties pearled,
But you’re done with your classes,
So now all you smartasses
Must adjust to the work-a-day world.
Are we doomed to be tirelessly trolled
By a child who’s not twenty years old?
Well, then, who could be better
Than the garrulous Greta,
That grave Scandinavian scold?
NOT A WORD
A conspiracy theory’s a theory
That may warrant some careful inquiry:
Though it’s “crazy” to you,
If it proves to be true
You’ll look foolish for being so sneery.
Is it ’cause we no longer applaud?
Is it ’cause we are now underawed?
What makes Tony so grouchy?
What’s the matter with Fauci?
Is it ’cause we now know he’s a fraud?
“He performed such a valorous task!
Tell me who was that masked man,” I ask.
“Well, now, that’s hard to say,
At this time, anyway,
What with everyone wearing a mask.”
“To be honest, I like you a lot,
But a woman I simply am not.”
“Oh, my gosh, it’s uncanny!
Are you truly a tranny?”
“I’m not human. I’m really a bot.”
Look at lilies, see them bloom,
Say goodbye to days of doom,
Wave farewell to night,
Bid hello to light,
As you rise up from the tomb.
THE MASK OF AMONTILLADO
“You are welcome to sample this cask,
Fortunato, but one thing I ask:
Before even a sip
Passes over your lip,
You must put on this surgical mask.”
SEDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM
Have another madeira, my dear,
Inhibitions will soon disappear,
I will then seize the day,
Standing six feet away,
So you’ve nothing whatever to fear.
SMILES TO GO
To a thrift store, Frost would go,
See golf clubs on the row
Of sporting goods,
And quip: “Whose woods
These are, I think I know.”
Well, that was a waste of a year,
All the frenzy and folly and fear,
And the great bugaboo
Nothing more than the flu:
How moronic we all now appear!
URINAL OF THE PLAGUE YEAR
“You may think that the COVID’s a pain,
But imagine how this hurts my brain:
As a trans, I must choose
The right bathroom to use
And just hope that no one will complain!”
GEEKS BEARING GIFTS
Though the average buffoon celebrates
The much self-acclaimed Fauci and Gates;
Knowing both are invested
In vaccines never tested,
Should we trust to these conmen our fates?
You may say that this post isn’t true,
But I don’t get to say, “It is, too!”
You say facts have been checked,
But there’s something suspect:
Namely, who in the devil are you?
WEATHER OR NOT
TV weathermen are funny
And so rarely on the money:
You can bet if they say
There’ll be showers today
That the day will be cloudless and sunny.
Though we never did charge them a fee
And provided them content for free,
Our accounts have been canned,
We’re officially banned,
But who has the last laugh, we shall see.
TRICK OR TWEET?
All the hours away that we’d fritter
On Facebook and Youtube and Twitter,
Is it not evident
That they were not well spent,
That we could have done something much fitter?
They can say it’s against the law
And I’ll just say “Pshaw!”
And have my fun
As a krewe of one:
No one cancels my Mardi Gras!
If you want to stay focused, you might
Leave the radio off for the night,
Lest the words of a song
(“I’ve been loving you too long”)
Wiggle-worm their way in as you write.
Wait a minute! Something’s wrong!
Words are here that don’t belong!
This bit’s not mine,
This particular line:
It’s a lyric from a song!
I may strike you as rude and uncouth,
But I’ve acted like that from my youth:
If the things that I say
Make you mad, walk away
And you won’t have to deal with the truth.
“It’s the most inexplicable thing:
I’ll be acting quite normal and [ding!]
I turn into a grump
And start ragging on Trump
Whensoever I hear a bell ring.”
“Well, I don’t like to brag or to boast,
But I do read the Times and the Post,
And each day in my car
I tune in NPR,
So, I think I’m informed more than most.”
“I think socialism sounds pretty good,
If it turns out the way that it should.
Though it never has yet,
It still seems a sure bet –
And there’s always a chance that it could.”
Though I’d watched competitions, all sorts —
On the fields, in arenas, on courts —
Players taking a knee
Was just too much for me:
I am done with “professional” sports.