2018

NAILED IT!
At the start of each year: aspirations.
At the end of each year: celebrations.
Every year turns out good
When you knew that it would
‘Cause you had very low expectations.

RE GIFT
When I say this, I’m being sincere:
I don’t dislike fruitcake, my dear.
It’s just I’m bewildered
’Cause it looks so familiar –
Like the one that I gave you last year.

MESSY CHRISTMAS
All the kids make a merry mad dash
And they open their gifts in a flash,
But they leave all the wrapping
On the floor while they’re napping
And the gifts get thrown out with the trash.

TRANSPARENCY
Prosecutors have compacted
All the laws he has infracted,
But it’s hard to see
Criminality
When the facts are all redacted.

‘TIS THE SEASON
Oh yes, Christmas is coming, my dear,
In three weeks it will truly be here,
But please don’t forget
That it hasn’t come yet:
It’s called “Advent” at this time of year.

THE LIMERICK
It’s the silliest syllogism
And a metrical mechanism
For amusing a bloke
By telling a joke
Or conveying a witticism.

THANK GOD
T the time we have to run,
H the hope of heaven won,
A the angels to guide,
N the needs supplied,
K the King, the Ghost, and Son.

WHO’S COUNTING?
On election day always they’re dallying,
After close of the polls always rallying:
It just boggles the mind
How they come from behind
When the Democrats supervise tallying.

SNIPES
“Is the Democrat behind?
Not to worry! Never mind!
I’ve got bundles of ballots
In boxes on pallets
Just waiting for me to find.”

VOTO FINISH
“Immigration concerns are what spur us,
Opposition will never deter us,
And the line of the souls
Heading out to the polls
Stretches all the way down to Honduras.”

CARAVANGUARD
What’s the difference between immigration
And an enemy-driven invasion?
The answer’s been given
By Cloward and Piven:
It’s the numbers that topple a nation.

MOB TRAINING
“That’s not right! That’s not it! No, no, no!
You’re supposed to be rhyming with ‘go.’
Please remember the rhyme.
Get it right this time.
Once again: ‘Hey, hey! Ho, ho!’”

I REMEMBER IT WELL
Certain memories are retellable
And potentially resellable –
They affect us, they stamp us,
They depress us or amp us –
But some memories are plain smellable.

BELLA
There once was a woman named Dodd
Who rejected His scepter and rod,
In His Church sowing seeds
Of the wickedest weeds,
But repented and came back to God.

BLASÉ
An accuser cites her fear of flying
To justify not testifying,
But she’s been everywhere
And has traveled by air,
So it’s clear she has no fear of lying.

K SERA
“Justice of the Supreme Court I will be
When I’m grown up, you wait and you’ll see –
Unless somebody nosy
Conspires to expose me
For tantrums I threw at age three.”

ANONYMOUS SOURCE
“My identity’s always a mystery
And my broadsides bombastic and blistery:
When opponents are slighted,
I’m the one who is cited,
I’m the most quoted person in history.”

0BAMA
If his predecessor was to blame
For each failure attached to his name,
As a form of redress
His successor’s success
He should now be permitted to claim.

IN THE PUNCH BOWL
Do you wonder why Francis demurred,
Also wonder if he was deterred
By his own share of blame,
And because of his shame
Papa Caca would not say a word?

CLUB GITMO
Will they swig rum & cokes and cavort?
The Obamas and Clintons report
They’ll be spending “vacay”
In Guantanamo Bay
At a very exclusive resort.

RIGHT ON Q
Though for months it has seemed like a dud,
The drip-dropping will soon be a flood,
And the things we will hear
As elections draw near:
Dirty Democrats covered in mud!

TOO MUCH WINNIE
Xi Jinping likes to act like he’s tough,
But his bluster is nothing but bluff:
He’s a dictator who
Is frightened by Pooh!
Who’s afraid of a bear stuffed with fluff?

ENEMEDIA
When you’re constantly taking sides
With a narrative that divides,
When you won’t play it straight
As the Fourth Estate,
You’ve surrendered your bona fides.

McCARRICK
Woe to shepherds who secretly mock
And mislead the poor sheep in their flock!
Woe to bishops betraying
And on innocents preying!
Woe to all undermining the Rock!

NOODNIKS*
Lots of left-wing associations,
Lots of biased investigations,
Insane persons employed
Are what finally destroyed
Their self-satisfied reputations.
*each line contains intel acronym

STRZOK OUT
What’s impossible now to deny is
That it’s perfectly clear when a guy is
Kissing Hillary’s rump
As he tries to frame Trump
That he’s guilty of obvious bias.

TDS*
Are these symptoms familiar to you:
Bulging eyes and pinched lips turning blue,
Heart a-pounding (thump thump)
At the mention of Trump,
Raw emotions and lowered IQ?
*Trump Derangement Syndrome

FOOL WATERS*
All day that face
Spews toxic waste,
Who could embrace
Miss Waters,
Maxine Waters?

That nut’s a tool,
An utter fool,
There’s no one who’ll
Miss Waters,
Maxine Waters.
*To the tune of “Cool Water”

#WALKAWAY, RENEE*
And when you see the signs that seem to say
The Left just uses you to get their way,
Just walk away, Renee:
The Democrat Party’s not your home,
Their empty promises of hope and change are lame,
You’re not to blame.
*To the tune of “Walk Away, Renee”

YOUR PENUMBRA’S UP
We will have a conservative Court,
One that won’t legislate or distort
The plain meaning of laws
To advance a bad cause,
One that won’t invent “rights” to abort.

LYNCH PARTY
At the gallows are gathered the gang,
In their consciences feeling no pang.
As the nooses draw taut,
Still surprised they got caught,
Haughty Hillary’s hooligans hang.

EYE BEAM
“Some opinions just make me irate,
They’re not worthy of public debate,
And the bigots who say them –
I just want to slay them:
How I hate all those people who hate!”

IF IT PROSPER
All the sins of the Clintons are bared,
Yet you’d think not a single soul cared,
But we know what’s the reason
None dare call it treason:
They’re complicit, complacent, or scared.

FROM ‘RUSSIA’ WITH LOVE
Short-term goal: Infiltrate and derail
And make sure Donald Trump can’t prevail;
Mission code name: No Drama;
Agent: Double Obama;
Long-term goal: Keep us all out of jail.

BARACK THE BRAIN
He’s the smartest in the room?
Does that mean we can assume
The location where
None can compare
Is the closet for the broom?

MS-13
If his morals are well below average
And his instinct’s to rampage and ravage,
It becomes understandable
Why one calls him an animal –
Or subhuman or beastly or savage.

SCHNEIDERMAN
Schneiderman, Schneiderman
Has that Weiner and Spitzer gland:
S&M is his style,
Choking chicks makes him smile.
Look out! Here comes weird Schneiderman!

TOXIC
Modern mother, what harm you have done:
You’ve admonished your fatherless son
Not to shout, not to run,
Not to shoot a toy gun,
Not to ever have any real fun!

DEEP STATE
They assure us they’re loyal and true
And were not instigating a coup
By creating the illusion
Of Russian collusion.
Well, that’s that. I’m convinced. How about you?

A HIGHER ROYALTY
There’s a law that prohibits a crook
From producing a film or a book,
Making even one dime
By exploiting his crime:
Maybe Comey should give it a look.

TITLE NEIN
“The gold medal I won in a whirl
At the annual state intermural:
You may think I’m a scamp,
But I’m still the new champ –
And the boy who just beat the best girl.”

BASKET OF DEPORTABLES
“If you come to our home the right way,
Friendly strangers, you’re welcome to stay;
If you try to sneak in,
You’ll be sent back again:
‘Bon voyage!’ and ‘Have an ICE day!’”

HOGGWASH
“Receive our wisdom, peasants,
And be grateful for our presence
As your benefactors,”
Say anchors and actors,
Athletes, and adolescents.

STATIONS
He’s condemned to a pain-filled parade,
Falling thrice (even with Simon’s aid),
Hearing sad women’s sighs,
Then he’s stripped, nailed, and dies,
From the cross taken down, and tomb-laid.

BALLOT OF FIRE
Hillary thinks that white women aren’t bold,
That they mindlessly vote as they’re told –
By a husband, for one,
Or a boss or a son –
But forgets that they’re secretly polled.

FALSE TART
“Did you know what the lecher would do
And go up to his room with a view
Toward landing a part
As an overpaid tart
(Or a ‘victimized’ woman)? #MeToo!”

AI YI YI, ROBOT
I don’t think it understands
I’m the one that gives commands:
It cannot be controlled,
Will not do what it’s told,
And refuses to untie my hands.

RABID RESPONSE
We hear calls for the banning of guns
Every time a mass murderer stuns,
But if bombs, cars, or knives
Have claimed multiple lives,
We hear calls for the banning of guns.

JIM RAT
Comey’s IQ may be higher
And that maybe makes him slyer
Than us common folk,
But he’s still a joke –
And a pathological liar.

SLOW DEATH
As investigators make connections,
Dirty Democrats face rejections:
Their poll numbers will slip
As the facts drip, drip –
Right on up to the midterm elections.

BROKE IN CHINA
Though they say that we owe them much debt,
They discount intellectual theft:
Just subtract what they stole,
We’ll be paid up in whole –
With a deficit due from them left.

STARTERS
Trump has done what he said that he would,
He has done it as fast as he could,
Plus, Obama is out,
Hillary’s lost all her clout,
And the state of the union is good.

CHUCK ‘EM!
When most workers are deemed “nonessential”
And their absence proves inconsequential,
Maybe voters will see
And we all can agree
Schumer’s shutdown was truly prudential.

DAINTY, AREN’T WE?
“Such a horror has never occurred,
Such a thing never spoken or heard:
We were shocked and dismayed,
Mortified and afraid
When the president said a bad word!”

LIVING DOLL
“Not much longer must I wait
To embrace my perfect mate:
She’s arriving soon
And will make me swoon
When she steps out of her crate.”

SETTLED CONTENTS
It’s much safer now for me
When I go to the grocery:
I’m advised that nuts
“May contain nuts”
And that rice is “gluten-free.”