2015

TIME!
At the outset our standards were high,
But they lowered as deadlines drew nigh:
With the end of the year
Now uncomfortably near,
We’ll do just what we must to get by.

EXEGESIS
Some in sorrow the very name eases,
Some in excess the same name displeases:
Why is one thus engaged
And the other enraged,
Why such different reactions to Jesus?

VACANCY
With his second term set to expire,
A new residence he will require
In a tropical clime
That won’t cost him one dime!
Yes, Guantanamo’s where he’ll retire!

BEAU
“There’ll be no seduction drama,
Leaving me a single momma:
I must be wed
Before we bed
And you play with my obama.”

SAN BERNADINO
What will happen when wood is the driest,
When the hatred of heathens is highest,
When the demons demand
That our blessings be banned
And the remnant renounce the true Christ?

BETTER OR WORSE?
Married couples aren’t cutting their knots
And divorce rates are lessening lots.
What’s the reason for this
Sudden outbreak of bliss?
Everyone’s getting married to bots.

REMEMBERED
“Like so many, I usually feel
That Thanksgiving is not a big deal.
As it once more draws near,
I feel different this year:
I’m invited somewhere for a meal.”

NO MO
Will you pampered babies spare us?
Your imagined griefs embarrass:
While you moped at Mizzou
(Nothing better to do?),
People died by the dozens in Paris.

HILLARY WHO HATES
I’m Hillary who hates all men,
Hillary who hates all men, all men.
I hate men in the diplomatic corps,
I hate men going off to war.

And every one is an enemy,
I couldn’ t stand a manly kind of man.
I’m a hate-filled hag, I’m Hillary,
Hillary who hates all men.

PRESS PASS
“Yes, Obama’s dark past we denied,
His gargantuan gaffes we let slide,
But this Dr. Ben Carson
Comes across like a parson:
We just know he’s got something to hide!”

HOIST
Quintanilla and Harwood and Quick
Thought they’d worked out a dynamite shtick:
“Since we’re on the left side,
Let’s be snarky and snide,
Playing dumb as we lay it on thick.”

SET UP
What did Stevens really know?
What dark dealings could he show?
Was he starting to balk?
Was he threatening to talk?
Why did Stevens have to go?

THE QUESTION
“Ophelia, come and see.
Is this the place for me?
My predicament,
An apartment to rent:
2B or not 2B?”

MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD
There’s no need for a gun or a knife
When the war’s a nonviolent strife:
Those who won’t reproduce
Put themselves in the noose
And surrender a land without life.

EVIL
Why ask where should the answers be sought?
We all know by Whose death we were bought:
By a heavenly plan
Was God’s will shown to Man,
His Commandments and Beatitudes taught.

NEXT!
John’s position could not have been plainer,
His retirement a basic no-brainer.
Now if only old Mitch
Would get the same itch
And McConnell would exit like Boehner!

ENVIRONMENTAL
They may mince or incinerate birds
And dice bats into quarters or thirds,
Still, wind power is “clean,”
Solar energy “green” –
If you’re willing to redefine words.

A SANTÉ
“Are you kidding, no wi-fi? Get real!
Cell phone service is jammed? What’s the deal?
Not a single TV
In this whole eatery?
All you get is a nice, quiet meal?”

RENTBOY
Were some clients relieved, some dismayed,
By the Homeland Security raid?
Will the customer list
For the mill provide grist:
To protect some, and others “persuade”?

HOW SPECIAL
Rules applied to the masses and not them,
But their hubris eventually got them:
First fell Spitzer, then Weiner,
And now somebody meaner –
The Belle of Benghazi, Ms. Rodham.

WORST FIRSTS
All those firsts were considered quite foreign
‘Til the day we ostensibly swore in
The first Catholic, Jack,
The first black man, Barack,
The first Native American, Warren.

CLINTONEMAIL.COMEDY
“You’ll hand over your emails, complete,
Without further delay or deceit.”
“Oh, please, don’t have a cow:
I’m compiling them now –
Oops! I’m sorry, I just hit ‘delete.’”

TRUMP CARD
When a pol from a party’s defected
And a third-party bid is expected,
You can bet the turncoat
Will just split up the vote
And ensure the opposition’s elected.

WHO TO BELIEVE?
. . . But Obama says they’re lies
And Planned Parenthood denies
The heinous acts
And felonious facts
That we’ve seen with our own eyes . . .

PROSECUTION FOR THE WITNESS
Having witnessed a hideous crime,
He identified all of the prime
Individuals involved,
But the case is resolved
With the witness the one doing time.

THE REAL McCAIN
Donald Trump may say things to regret
And make prim politicians upset,
But it’s “hero” McCain
Who’s obliged to explain
How he’s treated the Vietnam vet.

SWING LOW
Sin, sin, sin, sin,
Everybody, start to sin:
No wrong,
God’s gone,
Now you’re sinning with a grin.

7.4.15
We’re still standing, and standing unbowed,
We’re Americans, naturally proud,
And we make this forecast:
That this won’t be the last
July Fourth celebration allowed.

DEAD END
Though the mob is completely insane, though
They cause everyone so much pain, though
They shout and shove
And call it “love,”
There is death at the end of the rainbow.

NO FARTHER
“Father’s Day rolls around and (oh, brother!),
If it’s not one weird thing, it’s another.
Meet my current stepdad,
The third one that I’ve had:
He’s now trying to pass as my mother.”

SUPREME FOLLY
Who’d have thought there would come such a time
When the butchering of babes was no crime?
Now another miscarriage:
Homosexual “marriage,”
Legalized by a panel of nine.

LOBO WARNING
When Al Junior first raised the alarm,
Some believed there might be some real harm,
But they found out he’d lied
And, the next time he tried,
They just tuned out the boy who cried, “Warm!”

POLICE, COME BACK!
“When the ‘protesting’ finally stops
And the fires have died down in the shops,
We’ll be too scared to roam
In what’s left of our home
And we’ll wish we could bring back the cops.”

SPITE
“We have oodles of gay friends who bake,
Who could make us a fabulous cake:
To claim discrimination,
We need dissimulation –
And a Christian to burn at the stake.”

UNLOCKER ROOM
In the past when a pervert would peek,
He’d be met with a slap or a shriek:
Now he says he’s a woman,
Is entitled to come in,
Not be treated like some kind of freak.

CASHIFIED INFORMATION
“For accelerated authorization
With regard to above application:
To ensure I approve you,
It might well behoove you
To kick in to my family foundation.”

CLUELESS
Says she’s just like y’all and youse,
Says she shares your stupid views:
Either Hillary’s tight
Or not very bright,
‘Cause the Empress has no clues.

WICKED
Through years the graft extends
And favors for their “friends”:
They plundered like Vandals,
Now Hillary’s scandals
Are burning at both ends.

FAITH IN THE CROWD
“I’m a Christian, I certainly am,
My belief is sincere, not a sham:
I believe in the Bible,
Except when it’s liable
To put me in a bit of a jam.”

LITTLE ANGELS
They seemed monsters, the worst in creation,
Their whole lives predisposed to predation,
But it’s obvious now:
Hitler, Stalin, and Mao
Were just victims of discrimination.

ICING
They will raise a devilish din
And do anything to win,
‘Cause when you bake
Their wedding cake
You’re complicit in their sin.

PETRIFIED
At the Passion poor Peter did thrice
Deny Him ere the cock could crow twice:
When we too face the Terror,
Will we make the same error
And insist that we never knew Christ?

THE LAST TO KNOW
“I’m appalled by these clandestine capers,
So much so that I’m feeling the vapors:
I hadn’t a clue
I was running a zoo
‘Til I read of these things in the papers.”

CHEATER
The way she plays this game is unique,
When it’s her turn to count she will peek,
When you find where she’s hidden
She insists that you didn’t:
That’s how Hillary plays Hide & Seek.

NOT DOT GOV
You’d expect a felonious female
Not to want to mail mail the way we mail,
Not to follow the rules
Like the rest of us fools,
And to have her own personal email.

ALIENATED
Are you from here or some other spot?
Is there something that you haven’t got?
Do you feel no emotion?
Do you lack all devotion?
Do you love this great nation or not?

DREAMERS FROM MY FATHERLAND
“People say I pursue my goals sneakily
Or, exceeding my powers, act regally,
But I’ve done what I’ve done
‘Cause I feel myself one
With the folks who have come here illegally.”

DOING WITHOUT
To avoid any purchase or rent
Was my niggardly neighbor’s intent,
So I said with mock sorrow,
“I don’t have what you’d borrow:
It’s Ash Wednesday, it’s already Lent.”

PEACOCK
“There’s no point in anyone tryin’
To find someone who’s better at lyin’,
‘Cause Barack is the best
And he does it with zest:
He’s the perfect replacement for Brian!”

BUST
You might deem balls deflated okay
And let cut-corner quarterbacks play,
But the last thing that you
Would want Brady to do
Is prepare a delicious soufflé.

STUPID BOWL
“It’s fourth quarter, we’ve just gone ahead,
We could run up the score, but, instead
Of taking a chance
To make further advance,
We’ll play prevent defense,” Boehner said.

SOT U
Here’s a drinking game you’ll want to try
If your goal is to get really high:
Watch Obama’s address
And then drink (to excess)
Every time he says I, me, or my.

THE ADVOCATE
No man’s perfect, nor ever has been:
We fall over and over again,
And, while some turn to prayer,
Many others despair
Or crusade on behalf of their sin.

HER SUITOR
With a long-running rumor to quell
And a positive image to sell,
He came up with a plan
To look more like a man:
“What I need is a beard, then, Michelle.”

 

A SANTÉ

“Are you kidding, no wi-fi? Get real!

Cell phone service is jammed? What’s the deal?

Not a single TV

In this whole eatery?

All you get is a nice, quiet meal?”