2017

TOO MUCH WINNING
If you liked this year much more
Than the eight that went before,
Just wait and see
What another three
Or seven have in store.

OH OH OH
“Christmas makes mom happy, yet
Only makes our dad upset;
By Eastertime,
His mood is fine,
When he’s paid off all the debt.”

DITTO MACHINE
It’s now time to suspend the discussions
And consider the grim repercussions:
It’s true Trump had an ace
In the Limbaugh fan base
And engaged in collusion with Rush-ians.

WELL, DUH!
I had never the slightest confusion
And came easily to this conclusion,
Needing no one to show me
It was Mueller and Comey
With the Clintons engaged in collusion.

“BIMBO ERUPTIONS”
“When a woman accuses, discredit her
(With the help of a compromised editor):
Though she’s anything but,
Call the woman a slut,”
Said the wife of a serial predator.

TODA!
“Thanks for everything!” should be our motto:
If we’re grateful, then how can we not crow
“Thank you! Thank you so much!”
“Merci!” “Danke!” and such,
“Xie xie!” “Grazie!” “Shukran!” “Arrigato!”?

THINK!
Before going all in, why not pause
To research pros and cons of your “cause”?
For example, inquire
Why the murder rate’s higher
In the cities with gun-control laws.

ASSAULT & FLATTERY
Men and women are left with no room
For incipient romance to bloom:
No more innocent flirting
Or impulsively blurting
“Hubba hubba!” and “Va va va voom!”

DON OF THE DEAD
Deep in Boondoggle Bog, the Beast thrives,
Until one day The Donald arrives.
“They are draining the swamp!”
She shrieks, running: clomp, clomp.
“He is coming! Run! Run for your lives!”

URANIUM ONE
To avoid an erroneous conclusion,
Let’s begin by dispelling confusion:
It was Hillary who took
Russian bribes like a crook,
It was Hillary engaged in collusion.

GATEKEEPERS
Academia’s vetting our views,
Mainstream media’s spinning our news,
But they seem to forget
That it’s all on the Net:
Their distortions are not what we choose.

SUCCESS!
There are times when a president fails,
Other times when he clearly prevails,
So give credit to Trump
For the NFL slump,
To Obama for boosting gun sales.

OUT OF BOUNDS
If you’re good on a stage or a court,
You’ll enjoy our unflagging support,
But don’t offer us clues
To your vacuous views:
Stick to acting or playing a sport.

ONE LAW
Equal justice is our paradigm
And applies to commission of crime.
That’s why Comey and Lynch
Should both feel the “pinch”
And Obama and Clinton do time.

WHIGGING OUT
Do the Democrats represent you?
Are Republicans renegade, too?
Would you like to see Trump shun
Their colossal presumption
And our two-party system renew?

BUSTED
While we’re kicking up such a big fuss
Over statues of men valorous,
Plowing history asunder,
Do we even once wonder:
Are the statues embarrassed by us?

HARVEY
Though the dainty succumb to the vapors,
The determined aren’t daunted by labors:
When a hurricane vexes,
The good people of Texas
Provide comfort and aid to their neighbors.

AD HOMINEM
“My rhetorical skills are third-rate,
But I never have lost a debate:
Facts and logic I lack,
So I launch an attack
And accuse my opponent of hate!”

IN THE DARK
“Wow, today it was really bright,
Then suddenly black as night.
Did any of you
Notice it, too?”
“Uh, you mean the eclipse we had, right?”

HALF MOON
Once New Orleans was drained by a ditch,
But progressives effected a switch
And the money for draining
Was used for campaigning:
Thanks for taking down monuments, Mitch!

MACROAGGRESSION
You insist we’ve no virtues you lack,
But still claim that we’re holding you back:
If you’re equal to us,
Then it’s clear when you fuss
That it’s us who are under attack.

BACK IN THE CLOSET!
We relented and let you come out,
But we never expected you’d flout
All the rules of decorum
In whatever forum –
And adopt worse perversions to tout.

SHOW
“As of yet, we have failed to outflank him,
Having turned up no evidence, dang him!
But ours is a court
Of a different sort:
We will have a ‘fair’ trial and then hang him.”

PAVLOV’S BELL
The reaction is wildly dramatic,
Instantaneous, and automatic:
When a “comic” says “Trump,”
Every humorless chump
Will guffaw like a mindless fanatic.

IMBROGLIO
Like Obama, he promises hope
And a yep to replace every nope:
“Forget about sins
And let’s just be friends,”
Says all affably dear Auntie Pope.

CAVEAT LECTOR
Boat I bought had great reviews,
Couldn’t wait to take a cruise,
Launched it and – kerplunk! –
Down it went and sunk,
So beware of fake canoes.

CAGEY B-STUDENT
“Your excuse when assignments are lacking
Always seems like a cover for slacking,
But this new one is great,
Why your homework is late:
Your computer sustained Russian hacking?”

BARRY WHO?
“Who’s that pompous, preposterous prig?”
“Oh, that jug-eared, effete talking twig?
He’s the diva of drama,
Says his name is Obama
And he used to be somebody big.”

COME(D)Y
“Though a multimillionaire
And a fixer extraordinaire,
Standing six-foot-eight,
I was so afraid
Of that man with orange hair.”

COMMENCEMENT
“In my cap and my gown, ill at ease,
One of millions with college degrees:
How that college has dunned me!
Please click through to GoFundMe,
Help defray my tuition and fees!”

MEMORIAL DAY
If you’re honest and also well-bred,
You’ll pay homage to all who have bled
– Wearing blue, wearing gray –
And on this special day
Also honor Confederate dead.

FORWARD, MARSH!
“We’re surrounded by partisan haters,
Resisters, subversives, and traitors:
We have struggled and strained
To get the swamp drained,
But we’re up to our asses in gators.”

KILL BILL
The excuse the Republican gave
As to why he decided to cave:
“When proffered a purse
Or a ride in a hearse,
I found graft appealed more than the grave.”

ADD VICE & CONSENT
“I’d prefer not to balk or retreat
And deliver another defeat,
But Koskinen and Comey
Have gotten to know me,
And the file they’ve compiled is complete.”

SPAWN OF SAGAN
They pretend to be men of true science,
But they have an unholy alliance,
For the side that Bill Nye’s on
With Neil deGrasse Tyson
Denies Truth in demonic defiance.

DESENSITIZATION
We’re mainstreaming perverted carnality
(Homophilia to bestiality),
But remove the taboo
And they’re less “fun” to do:
That’s the fitting, ironic reality.

PASSING FAD
“I’m embracing the latest sensation,
This new craze that is sweeping the nation:
I was white, now I’m black,
And I’m not going back,
I’m a pigment of my imagination.”

BURST OF IRE
Now their rage is at its peak
As we turn the other cheek:
Because of Christ
We are despised
All the more in Passion Week.

ANON.
There are times I’d like to boast
Or be honored by a toast
And have my name
Receive acclaim,
But I can’t ’cause I’m a ghost.

DNR
Extreme measures we should disavow,
The poor thing will not last anyhow,
It is sad but it’s true,
There’s no more we can do:
Let Obamacare die in peace now.

DC COMICS
The ones who are putting him down
Are the biggest buffoons in this town:
Who doesn’t know those
Who do this are bozos,
Those who say Donald Trump is a clown?

FALL START
From the clock that I keep on the wall
I acquired one more hour last Fall,
But I never did use it
And will now likely lose it:
Tell me what was the point of it all?

BARACKSTABBER
Our new president has competition
And will soon have to make a decision:
Should his predecessor be
Allowed to roam free
Or arrested and tried for sedition?

BOEUF GRAS
Who’s that marching and what’s their big beef?
Not more malcontents flaunting faux grief?
No, it’s Mardi Gras Day
And it’s revelers at play:
Joie de vivre is the only motif.

THIS IS CNN
“Hey! Hello! Over here! Can’t you see?
I’ve a question to ask! Call on me!
Are you totally blind?
Are you out of your mind?
I’m a big shot who’s seen on TV!”

FAMILY VALUES
“You’re a member of the Left to me –
A brother, uncle, nephew, see?
You can rape my wife
Or take my life:
It’s okay if you’re a ‘refugee.’”

SUPER BAWL
Seeing tirades and tantrums begin
Well before Donald Trump was sworn in,
Fake adults throwing fits
Like some overgrown kids,
Aren’t you glad these big brats didn’t win?

MENDING WALL
There’s no need to rattle sabers
Just because we’re checking papers:
We will build a wall
To screen them all
‘Cause good fences make good neighbors.

SELF-ANOINTED
“How can anyone belie us
Or suggest we bear a bias?
Our head-tilted-back poses
Let you see up our noses,
Proving we’re ever so pious.”

NEWS SURREAL
Mainstream media’s known to suffuse
Its reports with particular views:
With this bias abundant,
It’s absurdly redundant
To call what it offers “fake news.”

AND THEY’RE OFF!
This past year we had politics plenty,
Until finally who didn’t want the
Campaigning to end
So that we could attend
To the race set for Two-Thousand-Twenty?

SEE YOU LATER, AGITATOR!
Well, I saw Obama talkin’
Like he wouldn’t go away.
Well, I saw Obama talkin’
Like he wouldn’t go away.
When he asked me, “What’s the matter?”
This is what I had to say:

“See you later, agitator!
After ‘while, coprophile.
See you later, agitator!
After ‘while, coprophile.
Can’t you see you’re in the way now?
Don’t you know you’re out of style?”

ABSENCE OF LEAVE
“The campaign had just barely begun
When I did what I ought not have done,
Never guessing I’d rue it,
So you can’t hold me to it:
My rash promise to leave if Trump won.”