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  • Nov 10 / 2012
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This Week’s List

Crozet practices for his driving test.

Tips for the New Driver

  1. Don’t hit anything.
  2. Don’t let anything hit you.
  3. Don’t drive with your eyes closed.
  4. Don’t drive while sitting in the back seat.
  5. Don’t drive from outside the car.
  6. Don’t drive while putting on your pants.
  7. Don’t drive sideways.
  8. Don’t drive on sidewalks or through pedestrian malls.
  9. Don’t drive on water or air.
  10. Don’t drive faster than the car can go.
  11. Don’t drive while the car’s on fire.
  12. Don’t drive with a honey badger in your lap.

Crozet needs all the help he can get. Add your tips with a comment.

Politickles.com

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  • May 10 / 2012
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This Week’s List

Ten Reasons to Reelect Obama

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  • May 20 / 2011
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This Week’s List

How to Ace an Interview

It’s all how you answer the questions. Below are five sample questions, followed by the wrong and right answers:

1. What attracted you to our company?
Wrong Answer: You had a job open.
Right Answer: I made an in-depth study of all the companies on earth and yours was the best.

2. Where do you hope to be in five years?
Wrong Answer: Somewhere better.
Right Answer: I hope to win the lottery so I can work for your company for free.

3. What are your biggest strengths and weaknesses?
Wrong Answer: I’m competent, conscientious, and honest.
Right Answer: I love to be criticized and abused, but I get depressed when I don’t get enough of it.

4. Why do you want to leave your current job?
Wrong Answer: My boss is a psychopath.
Right Answer: I’d like to work longer hours for less pay.

5. Do you have any questions?
Wrong Answer: Where can a guy get a drink around here?
Right Answer: Who can I kill for you?

Politickles.com

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  • Aug 21 / 2010
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This Week’s List

Shows I’d Like to See

  1. Sweeney Todd & Copper — Johnny Depp makes meat pies out of Disney characters.
  2. Catch Me If You Can Can — Leonardo DiCaprio impersonates burlesque dancers until he gets caught hanging out in the wrong place.
  3. Ghost Town Without Pity — Rickie Gervais defends a falsely accused incubus.
  4. Apocalypto Now — Brando runs naked through the jungle mumbling a dead language.
  5. Jake & the Thin Man — Joe Penny teams up with William Powell to find out who killed William Conrad.
  6. Perfect Strangers on a Train — A twisted commuter offers to kill Mr. Twinkacetti for Larry & Balki.
  7. It’s A Wonderful Lifeboat — George Bailey finally gets to travel and wishes he’d stayed in Bedford Falls.
  8. The Petrified Forrest Gump — Tom Hanks gives a bunch of depressed diners a box of chocolates.
  9. Operation Petticoat Junction — Billie Jo, Betty Jo and Bobbie Jo offer submarine rides in the Hooterville water tower.
  10. The Man Who Would Be King Kong — Sean Connery plays a gorilla with a license to kill.

Politickles.com

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  • Dec 18 / 2009
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This Week’s List

chapstickglue-stick

Things You Don’t Want to Mix Up

  1. Chapsticks & glue sticks
  2. Hairspray and spray paint
  3. Brylcreem & Bengay
  4. Windex & Blue Curacao
  5. Cocoa Puffs and rabbit droppings

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  • Aug 06 / 2009
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This Week’s List

wickedwhite2raggedyrajahthehutt

The pictures above represent three lying thieves I once worked with. They know who they are.

How Not to Do DAMAGE CONTROL

The first rule of damage control is to anticipate things that can go wrong and make sure they don’t.  Amazingly enough, most people don’t get this simple rule and respond in the worst possible way. If you want to be just as stupid, here are a few tips for compounding the problem you could have avoided.

  1. Worm your way into a position for which you’re unqualified.
  2. Create a culture of incompetence and dishonesty.
  3. When a problem arises, ignore it.
  4. When others bring the problem to your attention, deny it.
  5. When it becomes impossible to deny, insist that the whole thing is being blown out of proportion.
  6. When it becomes clear that the problem is truly serious, declare that you are preoccupied with much more important matters from which you cannot be distracted.
  7. When it is suggested that the problem may be more important than those other matters, malign the people who drew attention to the problem.
  8. When that doesn’t work, pretend that you knew nothing about the problem and blame it on someone else.
  9. When that person is exonerated and the cloud of suspicion settles over your head, announce that you will launch an investigation to find out how the problem arose and who the culprits are.
  10. Appoint the culprits to the investigative committee.

politickles.com

  • Apr 29 / 2009
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This Week’s List

What Bosses Really Mean

  1. We need a multi-tasker: You’ll have to do my job as well as yours
  2. We’ll have to work late: I screwed off all day
  3. Employees should not discuss salaries: Other people make way more than you
  4. We didn’t do as well as we hoped this year: I’ll get a bonus, but you won’t
  5. We’re bringing in a management consultant: His recommendations will be ignored
  6. You’re not a team player: You didn’t like my stupid idea
  7. You seem unhappy here: It would be cheaper for us if you quit
  8. We’re giving you an assistant: As soon as you train him, you’re fired
  9. We have a whistleblower policy: The last guy who invoked it disappeared
  10. The check’s in the mail: I have no intention of paying you

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  • Mar 09 / 2009
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Why Ordinary TV is Better than Cable

  1. Ordinary TV has fewer channels, which make it easier to decide what to watch.
  2. Ordinary TV has more commercials, providing therapeutic interruptions for people with short attention spans or bladder-control problems.
  3. Ordinary TV offers new movies long after they’ve appeared on cable, which gives you plenty of time to look forward to them — and to find out from your friends with cable how they turn out.
  4. Ordinary TV offers poor reception, which helps you appreciate good reception. (If the reception were good all the time, how would you know? You’d have nothing to compare it to.)
  5. Ordinary TV offers bland, predictable programs, so you know exactly what to expect and don’t have to worry about surprises.

politickles.com

  • Mar 02 / 2009
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This Week’s List

Funny Things to Say at Work

  1. I did it my way! Sorry it didn’t work out.
  2. I’m not paid to goof off. I do it for free.
  3. People say my boss is an idiot savant. Well, they’re half right.
  4. It’s true that the cream rises to the top, but sometimes it’s sour cream.
  5. It took me years to become an overnight success.
  6. It’s hard to blow your own horn when all you have is a kazoo.
  7. If you wanted something done right, why’d you come to me?
  8. If I did everything right the first time, I wouldn’t have a full-time job.
  9. Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. That’s why I use an anti-perspirant.
  10. I’m a self-made man. What’s your excuse?

politickles.com

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