The Neighbor is the Nuisance
What's the difference between firewood and cashews? Click pic to find out.
After the Good Friday tornado last year, a friend down the street cut up a bunch of his fallen trees and stacked the split firewood along his fence. For some strange reason, his next-door neighbor did not like the woodpile, complained about it constantly, and eventually persuaded the city council to pass an ordinance regulating woodpiles. Never one to pass up an opportunity for a good prank, I drafted the following notice, printed it with the city logo at top, and posted it on my friend’s property.
City Ordinance Wood Pile Investigation & Enforcement
Dear Homeowner:
In response to a recent complaint, the wood pile on your property has been inspected by the City Ordinance Wood Pile Investigation & Enforcement (COWPIE) authority.
Wood piles are rated on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 representing a superior wood pile meeting and/or exceeding the aesthetic standards of adjacent homeowners. It is rare for a wood pile to receive the coveted 10 status. Most fall somewhere in the 5-9 range.
Any wood pile scoring under 5 is considered unacceptable and requires immediate remediation.
We regret to inform you that your wood pile has been rated -5 (minus five). This is beyond unacceptable and is considered scandalous outside of West Virginia and propinquitous portions of Ohio.
A wood pile receiving a negative score indicates a willful and malicious intent to stack wood in an unneighborly manner.
Please be advised that we have also received complaints from outside the city, state, and nation from concerned citizens and foreign nationals randomly viewing Google Maps street views.
Such complaints may lead to inquiries from state and federal authorities, as well as representatives of the International Criminal Court.
It is imperative that you respond to this letter as soon as possible. Penalties begin accruing upon receipt of the initial complaint and double daily.
For more information, contact the COWPIE director, Willie Remus, at [my phone number].
