Sure, it happens to every adman. Some of your best ideas get rejected by the client. Worse, for whatever reason, some never even get presented. Still, years later, you can’t help wondering what impact they might have had if they’d been produced. Back in the early 90s, with fond memories of his role as the Hefty trashman, I came up with a campaign for the Louisiana Dairy Board using Jonathan Winters as spokesman (in his many inspired comic incarnations). Naturally, I assumed, if the campaign were approved and Winters agreed to do it, that he would run riot on the set and we would wind up with something far zanier than I had conceived. Even so, I like to think that my scripts would have served as a suitable springboard and that the master of merry madness would have recognized them as the tribute of a true fan.
MILKSPOT #1: JONATHAN WINTERS DRESSED AS GENERAL
WINTERS: Okay, troops, listen up. We’ve got a tough battle ahead. We must be mentally and physically prepared to meet the enemy. Sound mind in a sound body, as the Spartans used to say.
Of course, they’re all dead now, but they died healthy. What made them so healthy? Milk, of course. They drank it by the urnful. They all had little white moustaches, they drank so much of it. Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their upper lips!
[CUT TO BEAUTY SHOTS]
ANNCR: Delicious, wholesome milk is full of protein, calcium, and vitamins. For healthy living, just add milk.
[CUT BACK TO WINTERS LEADING SANDLOT BASEBALL TEAM OUT OF LOCKER ROOM.]
WINTERS: All right, follow me!
MILKSPOT #2: WINTERS AS MA FRICKERT IN FRONT OF CLASSROOM BLACKBOARD.
[PULLS DOWN BODY CHART, THEN STANDS IN FRONT OF IT, BUT KEEPS LEERING BACK.]
WINTERS: Okay, girls, today we’re going to talk about the body — about nutrition. Now, does anyone know the most important ingredient in a balanced diet? Of course, you don’t. You wouldn’t be taking health class over again if you’d been listening last semester. Now put those twinkies away and pay attention. The most important ingredient in a balanced diet is milk. M-i-l-k.
[TURNING TO WRITE WORD ON BLACKBOARD, THEN STEPPING BACK IN FRONT OF CHART.]
WINTERS: It’s just one word, try to remember it. And that’ll be enough tittering.
[CUT TO BEAUTY SHOTS.]
ANNCR: Delicious, wholesome milk is full of protein, calcium, and vitamins. For healthy living, just add milk.
[CUT TO WINTERS WITH BACK TO CAMERA EYEING CHART. LOOKS OVER SHOULDER WITH LEWD SMILE TO DELIVER LINE.]
WINTERS: That fellow drank milk — lots of milk.
MILKSPOT #3: WINTERS DRESSED AS FARMER.
WINTERS: They don’t appreciate you like I do, Maribel. I’ve stood by you the whole time — except for when I was sitting, but then I sat by you. I know what you’ve done for ‘em, Maribel. You gave ‘em your all, never asking anything in return. And never a word of thanks. Not once. Not once did anyone say, “Thank you, Maribel. Thanks for that delicious milk.”
[PULL BACK TO SHOW WINTERS SITTING ON MILKING STOOL NEXT TO COW.]
Why, you’re the best durn milk cow there ever was. I mean that sincerely, Maribel.
[CUT TO BEAUTY SHOTS.]
ANNCR: Delicious, wholesome milk is full of protein, calcium, and vitamins. For healthy living, just add milk.
[CUT TO WINTERS STANDING, HOLDING TWO OVERFLOWING BUCKETS OF MILK.]
WINTERS: Maribel’s a sucker for the sweet talk.
Bob Duplantier is a writer and editor with 35 years’ experience in journalism, advertising, and publishing. Both of his parents were writers and editors, too.
