Nelson, Luciano, Capone
All had nicknames uniquely their own.
In Bill Clinton’s case,
You can bet “Cigarface”
Is the moniker by which he’ll be known!
BILL IN A CHINA SHOP
Campaign prospects are more sunny
When the coffer’s full of money.
Leave it to Bill
To fill the till
With money that is funny!
Pardon him, pardon her, pardon you.
Pardon everyone Bill ever knew.
There’s no need to be frugal:
Pardon Hubbell, McDougall,
Pardon Gore, pardon Hillary too!
“I promise this year to begin
To exercise, diet, grow thin;
I resolve I will try
Not to tell one more lie __
At least, never the same one again!”
BILLY THE KID
“I’m a master at keeping the lid
On the illegal things that I did,
So there’s no way to show
Any quid for a quo
Just call me the ‘Cover-Up Kid.’”
Eight years of the Clintons in power
Leave a taste in the mouth that is sour
And an overall sense
That we need a good rinse
And should spend extra time in the shower.
“We’ll supply whatsoever you need
To ensure your armed forces succeed,
And we won’t make a fuss
If you use them on us,
‘Cause our sole motivation is greed.
The “impartial” commission betrayed
Public trust and became a charade:
Unfair and uncouth,
They have trampled the truth,
Blaming Bush for the mess Clinton made.
There once was an arch conservative
Who regarded as simply superlative
The power of Bill’s
To serve as an all-purpose purgative.
All around him Bill sees pointed fingers
And enemies that run him through wringers.
Sure, he cheated and lied,
But he just can’t abide
Those malicious, conspiring right-wingers!
Clinton soon will be basking in glory
With a tale we know false a priori.
How I wish some dumb clucks
Would pay 12 million bucks
To field my fabricated life story!
Ron Brown was but one of those linked
To the friends of Bill Clinton who blinked.
Who’ll next join the roster
With the late Vincent Foster
Of the cronies confirmed as extinct?
FEELING HIS OWN PAIN
Aware that he may be disbarred,
Bill Clinton is taking it hard:
He’s never once paid
For mistakes he has made
And would rather not reap his reward.
FULL OF BILL
We’d expected to be fully free
Of his follies by 2003,
But, lacking the grace
To go hide his face,
Clinton keeps crying out, “Look at me!”
HOT SPRINGS ETERNAL
Bill can suffer the arrows and slings
Of outrageous, unfortunate flings,
’Cause this big ham from Hope
Learned early to cope
By consorting with cons in Hot Springs.
I AM A CROOK, SO WHAT?
The obstructionist’s “stonewall” was breached
And “critical mass” was then reached.
But, unlike Dick Nixon,
The Comeback Kid’s fixin’
To stay on after being impeached.
The intern arrived optimistic,
But her outlook proved unrealistic.
Now she’s anxious to flee,
Having learned that D.C.
Means “Distinguishing Characteristic.”
Having failed in a decades-long try,
An appreciative communist spy
Pays a due compliment
To our own President
For destroying the FBI.
“I’m putting the Congress at ease
And giving the governors the breeze:
With executive orders,
I need no supporters
And can do pretty much as I please!”
LOATHING BILL CLINTON
Each September 11th ask why
The best President money could buy
— When Osama bin Laden
Might well have been gotten —
Did not even bother to try.
A librarian with conviction,
Finding too much contradiction
In a certain book
By a noted crook,
Had it classified as “fiction.”
What a vile conglomeration
Of every abomination:
In Clinton’s wake,
Only villains will make
A bid for the nomination.
NEW WORD ORDERED
Herewith we summarize
The new defense for lies:
“Though you believe
That I deceive,
I merely clintonize!”
THE POLITICS OF DEMEANING
When Bill sells a scheme he’s emphatic,
His response to his foes automatic:
Anyone who says, “But –”
Is dismissed as a nut,
A right-wing religious fanatic.
PUTTING THE LEG IN LEGACY
A filtering V-chip’s desired
‘Til our Masher-in-Chief is retired:
His obsession with sex
Makes our news triple-X
And parental discretion required.
RIADY OR NOT, HERE WE COME!
“Though funds that the DNC spent
Did arise in the Orient,
Our designs are disputable,
Lippo’s motives inscrutable —
Can you prove that we’re not innocent?”
“The voter has no head for facts.
They stop him right dead in his tracks.
The public,” said Bill,
“Just wants a cheap thrill.
Now, Hillary, hand me my sax.”
SOLITARY ASSURED DESTRUCTION
Has Bill taken leave of his senses,
Dismantling all our defenses
And providing resources
To enemy forces
Regardless of consequences?
Here’s the presidential line
On a penitential fine:
“I’ll gladly confess
And make redress
For everyone’s sin but mine!”
SO THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL IT!
She was flattered he found her appealing,
But preferred that he be less revealing.
Bill tried to explain
He was feeling her pain,
But Paula knew what he was feeling!
We’ll overlook Bill’s obfuscations,
And his sexual aberrations,
And perhaps, within reason,
We’ll tolerate treason
’Cause he’s meeting our low expectations.
Before he had started to pack,
Bill’s visit to China caught flack,
But Clinton should know
He was welcome to go
Just so long as he didn’t come back!
“If only we’d known before now
What a crafty excuse will allow:
When your villainies vex,
Say it’s just about sex,”
Chuckled Hitler and Stalin and Mao.
A President shouldn’t tell lies
Or do things that are really unwise,
But who cares about “should”
When the economy’s good
And the stock market’s on the rise?
TELL IT TO THE MARINES!
What a debt we all owe to marines!
We’re so glad that they go to extremes,
And we think Sara Lister
And Bill the Resister
Should be ordered to clean the latrines.
THEY’RE PLAYING OUR SONG
Our nation is destined for grief
If our leader has no fixed belief
And conclusions are drawn
As to whose side he’s on
When China plays “Hail to the Chief.”
Now listen, young man, don’t be hesitant
To follow my rules while you’re resident.
How often have I
Said you never must lie?
Now go to your room, Mr. President!
The Prez has perfected the skill
To do whatsoever he will:
He just ignites
Our Bill of Rights
And claims the “rights” of Bill.
The Prez is professing a peeve,
That appearances often deceive:
“Oh sure, it may look
Like I’m some kind of crook,
But who are you gonna believe?”
TV OR NOT TV?
The Clintons perfected a ruse
Which the networks all use to excuse
Their failure to handle
The penultimate scandal
And televise “yesterday’s news.”
THE UNEXAMINED “LIFE”
No, I’m not buying Bill Clinton’s book
And I won’t even give it a look —
Had enough of that hound
The first time around
And have nothing to learn from a crook.
“Come quick, everyone, on the double!
A friend needs our help, he’s in trouble.
And a man without means
Just might spill the beans,
So let’s all lend a hand to Webb Hubbell!”
Not so sweet his taste of swill.
Not so cheap his lastest thrill.
How high the price
That’s paid for vice!
How right the name of “Bill.”
Both Clinton and Gore played the king, which
Means both deserved Congress’ sting, which
Means both should’ve been sacked.
But they stayed on intact
And departed was House Speaker Gingrich!
From justice they craftily fled
And avoided the sanctions they dread;
Now O.J. and Bill
Can linger at will
In the night of the fast-living dead.