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  • May 06 / 2019
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Your Weekly Politickle: INTUITION

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

INTUITION
People say that a college degree
Is a right and it ought to be free:
If you get out of college
With no valuable knowledge,
Maybe free is the way it should be.

From the archive

COMMENCEMENT
“In my cap and my gown, ill at ease,
One of millions with college degrees:
How that college has dunned me!
Please click through to GoFundMe,
Help defray my tuition and fees!”
(2017)

BS
Here is something we need to abolish:
The idea we must all go to college,
Squander four years or more,
Pile up debt at our door,
And gain little or negative knowledge.
(2014)

GRADUATED TAX
How they worry us and make us fret:
These degrees that we just have to get!
I’ve now earned my diploma,
But what’s that aroma?
It’s the smell of a smoldering debt.
(2014)

IN LOCO PARENTIS
It is time to let go of the dears
We have formed in their faith 18 years –
And to spend, as we planned,
More than one hundred grand
On their faith-killing college careers.
(2011)

GRADUATION DAZE
There once was a student named Bob
Who stood out from the mortarboard mob;
Now he’s got his diploma,
But he’s caught in a coma
‘Cause he can’t find a well-paying job.
(2009)

RE: ORIENTATION
Fully formed are your heart, soul, and mind
With the facts of a faith well defined.
Now we send you to college,
Where a secular “knowledge”
Will ensure that belief’s undermined.
(2005)

QUEENS COLLEGE
“Your report card’s created a fuss
With your father and me: Both of us
Are a little bit leery
Of this course called ‘Queer Theory’
– And the fact that you got an A-plus.”
(2002)

GRADUATION DEITY
No religious beliefs were expressed
In his valedictorian address,
But he feigned an “achoo!”
And his classmates on cue
In unison shouted “God bless!”
(2002)

P.C. (POST CHRISTIAN)
The other children teased her
For being a faithful feaster:
When the pagan takes
His seasonal breaks,
She celebrates Christmas and Easter.
(2002)

CLARITY BEGINS AT HOME
Their parents won’t be overruled,
Nor their personal values retooled.
Their minds will grow strong
As they learn right from wrong,
‘Cause these children are being homeschooled.
(2000)

FRESHMAN ORIENTATION
Students headed for college each fall
Have to keep their opinions in thrall:
It’s essential to be
Perceived as “PC,”
So they try not to speak up at all.
(1999)

FAILING MARX
Socialism is dead!
Done in, the indomitable Red!
Or so it would seem,
But in academe
One had better check under one’s bed.
(1998)

GRAD SONG
The student goes to college
And an education forges,
But I fed too much
On knowledge and such,
And now my brain disgorges:
Within the dark and dismal class,
You’ll no longer spot my features.
My notes I burned,
And since I’ve learned
What I never could from teachers.
(1975)

Last week’s limerick

UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE
“An illegal, a felon, a tot,
A nonresident, even a bot:
They should all get to vote
And be part of the tote,
Whether living or human or not.”

  • Apr 29 / 2019
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Your Weekly Politickle: UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE
“An illegal, a felon, a tot,
A nonresident, even a bot:
They should all get to vote
And be part of the tote,
Whether living or human or not.”

From the archive

VOTO FINISH
“Immigration concerns are what spur us,
Opposition will never deter us,
And the line of the souls
Heading out to the polls
Stretches all the way down to Honduras.”
(2018)

FRANCHISE OPPORTUNITY
When a voter votes multiple times
And is “punished” for multiple crimes
With a sentence commuted,
Are not others recruited
Likewise to vote multiple times?
(2014)

GRAVE RESPONSIBILITY
Though his body will surely decay,
A dead Democrat’s ballot may stay:
He moves in with the moles,
But remains on the rolls
And continues to vote anyway.
(2012)

NIGHT OF THE VOTING DEAD
“We’ll be summoned from slumberous state
To endorse the biennial slate;
Then it’s back to the grave,
Where we’ll try to behave
‘Til another electoral date!”
(2004)

REGISTERED VOTERS
The polls open and who comes in?
Mary Poppins and Mickey Finn,
Then Betty Boop
And Alley Oop,
Sherlock Holmes and Gunga Din!
(2004)

TWO-DAY ELECTION?
To ensure that the balloting may
Proceed in an orderly way:
On Tuesday, please note,
All Republicans vote –
And all Democrats on the next day.
(2002)

WINNING BY A WHISKER
“Our Party is poised to prevail
With this new registration by mail:
All corpses and cats
Are staunch Democrats,
So our candidates simply can’t fail!”
(1998)

ROCK THE VOTE (TO SLEEP)
If free markets are something you dread,
Our Constitution is over your head,
And American history
To you is a mystery,
On election day, please, stay in bed!
(1998)

Last week’s limerick

MUELLER RETORT
Robert Mueller was forced to conclude
Donald Trump is incredibly shrewd:
Though it looks to the throng
Like he did nothing wrong,
He conspired so as not to collude.

  • Apr 22 / 2019
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Your Weekly Politickle: MUELLER RETORT

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

MUELLER RETORT
Robert Mueller was forced to conclude
Donald Trump is incredibly shrewd:
Though it looks to the throng
Like he did nothing wrong,
He conspired so as not to collude.

From the archive

STATIONS
He’s condemned to a pain-filled parade,
Falling thrice (even with Simon’s aid),
Hearing sad women’s sighs,
Then he’s stripped, nailed, and dies,
From the cross taken down, and tomb-laid.
(2018)

BURST OF IRE
Now their rage is at its peak
As we turn the other cheek:
Because of Christ
We are despised
All the more in Passion Week.
(2017)

OMG
On a phone or computer or pod,
These exclamatory letters are odd:
When you breathe your last breath
And can no longer text,
Will you log off and cry, “Oh, my God!”?
(2016)

PETRIFIED
At the Passion poor Peter did thrice
Deny Him ere the cock could crow twice:
When we too face the Terror,
Will we make the same error
And insist that we never knew Christ?
(2015)

YOU TURN
Do you feel you’ve been left in the lurch
And not found what you sought in your search?
Why continue to roam
When it’s time to come home?
Why not join us this Easter in church?
(2014)

SUFFRAGE
Now our enemies freely attack us –
Pillage, plunder, despoil, and ransack us –
But we once had a voice
And were offered a choice,
Whereupon we cried, “Give us Barackus!”
(2014)

FULLNESS
Though they say it’s a post-Christian time
And we follow a new paradigm,
There are martyrs galore,
More than ever before:
Christianity’s now at its prime.
(2014)

HE LIVES
Demons dread this day,
They hate to hear us say
Year after year
The phrase they fear:
¡Viva Cristo Rey!
(2013)

WITNESS FOR THE PERSECUTION
“Can I get a tattoo, Dad?” said she.
“It can be quite expensive,” said he.
“Why not wait and emboss
On your forearm a cross?
Let the government do it for free.”
(2012)

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES
Raise high the holy cross
And show them Who is boss:
Fight the merchants of death
With every breath
And never count the cost.
(2012)

GOOD FRIDAY
When tornadoes come whirling your way,
You get down on your knees and you pray:
You’re just glad you’re not dead,
Have a roof overhead –
Nothing else seems to matter that day.
(2011)

HOLY WEEK
So begins the passion play:
Evil triumphs for a day,
But Friday’s cross
Redeems our loss
And confirms us in the Way.
(2009)

NATIVITY
Tell me how can an innocent Child –
Holy Infant, so tender and mild –
Be the object of scorn
From the moment He’s born:
Rejected, resented, reviled?
(2005)

MEA CULPA
How fully prim piety fails
And scarcely scapegoating avails
When I add my own ration
To Christ’s frightful passion
And with my hands help drive in the nails.
(2004)

PASSION
Critics say it’s a judgmental story
With scenes that are overly gory,
But that’s what you’re liable
To read in the Bible
Of sacrifice leading to glory.
(2003)

P.C. (POST CHRISTIAN)
The other children teased her
For being a faithful feaster:
When the pagan takes
His seasonal breaks,
She celebrates Christmas and Easter.
(2002)

SCHADENFREUDE
Why do liberals like to besmirch
Institutions confirmed by research
As conducive to wealth,
Happiness, and health –
Such as marriage, the family, and church?
(1998)

*   *   *   *   *

BASKET CASE
My obesity just isn’t funny
And I’m suing for bundles of money:
When a basket of candy
Is too full and too handy,
Who’s to blame but the old Easter Bunny?
(2005)

POSITION STATEMENT
While walking with the abbot,
Which was his daily habit,
A monk who spied
Hares side by side
Said, “That’s the east-er rabbit!”
(2011)

Last week’s limerick

EVEN NOW
All the peoples on earth, all the nations,
Have endured some unjust subjugations:
Is there one you can name
Who cannot make a claim
To their long overdue reparations?

  • Apr 15 / 2019
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Your Weekly Politickle: EVEN NOW

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

EVEN NOW
All the peoples on earth, all the nations,
Have endured some unjust subjugations:
Is there one you can name
Who cannot make a claim
To their long overdue reparations?

From the archive

REPARATIONING
“How peculiar is my plight:
Being equally black and white,
I must dun myself
And accept my pelf
In order to put things right!”
(2008)

THE DEBT
By now it’s well-known and old news
That in slavery their forebears paid “dues,”
And yet no one has crowed:
Reparations are owed
By Egyptians today to the Jews.
(2002)

REPARATIONS
Life is so unfair!
It’s more than I can bear!
Starting today,
You all must pay
So I can have my share!
(2001)

BLANK LIKE ME
Census takers who tally my head
Will not know if I’m black, white, or red:
Because, in the space
To designate race,
I’ll inscribe the word “human” instead.
(2000)

PREFIXATION
Adding Euro- and Afro- won’t do:
Ethnic conflict will only ensue.
No hyphen for me:
I’m happy to be
An American through and through.
(1998)

Last week’s limerick

BRUISED GENDER
“I’m a man. No, a woman. No, man.
I change gender as fast as I can.
Call me ‘him,’ call me ‘her,’
But you’d better concur
With the gender I currently am.”

  • Apr 08 / 2019
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Your Weekly Politickle: BRUISED GENDER

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

BRUISED GENDER
“I’m a man. No, a woman. No, man.
I change gender as fast as I can.
Call me ‘him,’ call me ‘her,’
But you’d better concur
With the gender I currently am.”

From the archive

TITLE NEIN
“The gold medal I won in a whirl
At the annual state intermural:
You may think I’m a scamp,
But I’m still the new champ –
And the boy who just beat the best girl.”
(2018)

BACK IN THE CLOSET!
We relented and let you come out,
But we never expected you’d flout
All the rules of decorum
In whatever forum –
And adopt worse perversions to tout.
(2017)

DESENSITIZATION
We’re mainstreaming perverted carnality
(Homophilia to bestiality),
But remove the taboo
And they’re less “fun” to do:
That’s the fitting, ironic reality.

(2017)

SPOTTED
A ladybug, asked why
She seemed to be so shy
About sharing a shower
On a marigold flower,
Said, “That ladybug’s a guy!”
(2016)

YIKES!
“You may claim that you’re not anti-gay,
But to prove that you mean what you say
You must now demonstrate
That you really don’t hate –
And to do that, there’s only one way.”
(2016)

DEAD END
Though the mob is completely insane, though
They cause everyone so much pain, though
They shout and shove
And call it “love,”
There is death at the end of the rainbow.
(2015)

YOU’RE IN DOUBT?
“If you’re not really sure of your stance
As to bathrooms, then why take a chance?
Confused about gender?
Do what I do: Surrender —
And just stand there and pee in your pants.”
(2015)

UNLOCKER ROOM
In the past when a pervert would peek,
He’d be met with a slap or a shriek:
Now he says he’s a woman,
Is entitled to come in,
Not be treated like some kind of freak.
(2015)

THE ADVOCATE
No man’s perfect, nor ever has been:
We fall over and over again,
And, while some turn to prayer,
Many others despair
Or crusade on behalf of their sin.
(2015)

NO FARTHER
“Father’s Day rolls around and (oh, brother!),
If it’s not one weird thing, it’s another.
Meet my current stepdad,
The third one that I’ve had:
He’s now trying to pass as my mother.”
(2015)

PAN
S/he was straight, s/he was bi, s/he was gay:
Open-minded, s/he went any way,
Even trying out trans,
At last settling on sans,
Too exhausted for any more play.
(2014)

AGITPROP
Maybe three in a hundred are bent,
And one tenth of that number intent
On pretending to wed
Same-sex partners instead:
All this turmoil for three-tenths percent?
(2012)

BULLIES
In the 50s our fathers knew best,
But back then they could scarcely have guessed
That a mere three percent
Who are sexually bent
Would intimidate all of the rest.
(2012)

CZARDOM & GOMORRAH
“We are in your schools now and polluting
All the innocent minds we’re rebooting:
There’ll be total immersion
In every perversion
And the schools will be safe for recruiting.”
(2011)

BAD SAMARITANS
When a brother has wandered astray,
Those who love him will show him the way;
Those who follow the fashion
Of corrupted compassion
Will assure him his sin is okay.
(2010)

SAFE AND UNSOUND
There’s “safe sex” and “safe schools” and “safe touch,”
“Safe this” and “safe that” and “safe such,”
But, if “safe” now means “queer”
And is said with a leer,
The word “safe” doesn’t comfort me much.
(2009)

IN TOLERANCE
Left-wing radicals running our schools
Do great harm with their inverted rules:
They oppose every norm,
Reject custom and form,
And show deference to freaks and to fools.
(2007)

LAWRENCE V. TEXAS
The evil with which men are ridden
In normal times hardly is hidden,
But no era’s more awful
Than when vice is made lawful
And propriety, then, is forbidden.
(2003)

NOVEL IDEA
In The Wanting Seed, Anthony Burgess
Prophesied the preposterous purges
He knew surely would come
When the righteous play dumb
And the vicious give vent to their urges.
(2003)

Last week’s limerick

APRIL FOOLS
“Mr. President, please don’t be mad.
We’re so sorry if we made you sad.
We were only just kidding
That you did Russia’s bidding.
It’s not like we did something bad.”

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