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  • Nov 21 / 2008
  • 1

Brr! Global Warming!

Turn up the heat, somebody. The globe is freezing. Even Al Gore is looking for an extra blanket. — Wes Pruden, Washington Times

I’ll be glad when the global warming hysteria expires. I’m running out of ways to make fun of it.

Whether sickly or healthy and hale,
We object when the air gets too stale,
But what shall we do
When they ban CO2
And deny us the right to exhale?

Doomsday deadlines bear recalling
When they’ve passed and we’re not sprawling:
If dreaded fate
Is running late,
Then perhaps the sky’s not falling.

The dry wit of George Gobel was charming,
But its after effects are alarming:
When we laugh ’til we’re blue,
We release CO2
And contribute to dread “Gobel Warming.”

Every Spring they start their swarming
And fantastical alarming,
Fearing and oh-dearing
That the end is nearing,
‘Cause it’s April and it’s warming.

Has Al Gore taken too many tokes
On that strange cigarette that he smokes?
Still, the burden of proof
Is on every green goof
Who espouses the climate-change hoax.

They defend “climate change” willy-nilly,
And lately they’ve gotten plain silly:
Saying snow, ice, and sleet
Must be caused by the heat —
And that’s why the weather’s so chilly.

Al Gore worries the world’s getting hot,
And all over the globe he will trot,
Warmly warning the masses
About grave greenhouse gases
Caused by people who travel a lot.

“If superior beings ignore
Certain limits and use a bit more,
Then the peons, I guess,
Will just have to use less,”
Sniffed a gluttonous, glutinous Gore.

As a theory it’s cheesily charming,
Except when the neighborhood’s swarming
With snow, sleet, and ice
From unfair Fahrenheits,
And we’re longing for real global warming.

The temperature rose in July
Compared to December, quite high.
It’s really alarming
This “seasonal warming.”
Oh, lordy, we’re all gonna fry!

The temperature’s not getting higher.
Our environmental future’s not dire.
With the best yet to come,
There’s no need to be glum:
Al Gore, you’re an ozone liar!

The penguin complained, “It’s too hot!”
The hippo replied, “No, it’s not!”
The gator, when polled,
Insisted, “Too cold!”
And the polar bear grumbled, “What rot!”

Alarmists like to heighten
Anxieties and frighten —
Their aim’s made clear
In State of Fear
By author Michael Crichton.

  • Nov 20 / 2008
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Jimmy Carter’s Legacy

Nicaragua . . . wants to eliminate American economic, political, cultural, and strategic influence from the hemisphere. The space left by the U.S. will be occupied by countries like Iran, Russia, and China. — Luis Fleischman, Center for Security Policy

My two eldest daughters both got to vote in a presidential election for the first time this year — one had recently turned 18, the other 21. The older was exasperated that she had had to wait three years to participate in this ritual, and disgusted by the candidates she had to choose between when she finally got her chance.

I know exactly how she felt. I turned 18 in 1974 and had to wait two years to vote in a presidential election, only to have a choice between the bumbling Jerry Ford and the unknown but grating Jimmy Carter. I sat out the 1976 election, lived to regret it, and enthusiastically cast my first vote for president in 1980, at the ripe age of 24, for Ronald Reagan. Thirty years later, we’re still suffering the consequences of Carter’s single term and his insane encouragement of revolution in Latin America and the Mideast! Of course, in the absence of Carter’s disastrous domestic and foreign policies, Reagan might never have been president; nevertheless, if I had it to do over again, I would hold my nose and vote for Ford.

The only time I ever voted for a third-party candidate was in 1988, the year I covered the Democratic and Republican conventions for the news magazine I edited. I was living in the Boston area at the time, familiar with Michael Dukakis, and confident that he had no chance of winning. So, to express my disapproval for George H.W. Bush, who had made clear his contempt for the Reagan Revolution and his determination to steer a different course, I cast my ballot for Ron Paul. That, I have never regretted. I did vote for Papa Bush in 1992, however, when Ross Perot was siphoning off enough of his support to throw the election to Bill Clinton, which he did — to our country’s everlasting shame.

In several of the elections since, including this year’s, I have had heated discussions with self-avowed conservatives who expressed a determination to vote for a third-party candidate. Having once cast a protest vote myself, I am certainly sympathetic to the temptation (though not to the sanctimonious self-righteousness with which they announce their decision); but failing to vote for the lesser of two evils when the greater evil is likely to win as a result is, to my mind, just plain stupid.

  • Nov 19 / 2008
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The Bank Terrorist

For years, a self-described “bank terrorist” blackmailed banks into making bad home loans in our inner cities. Now those loans are defaulting by the millions, and he’s blaming banks. — IBD Editorial

I first encountered this phenomenon back in the early nineties, while developing advertising campaigns for a bank in Thibodaux, Louisiana. “Blackmail” well describes it.

  • Nov 18 / 2008
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Oh No, Here They Come!

Fruitcakes are a staple of the holiday season, but what if you don’t like them? You may just be stuck, says fruitcakeologist F.R. Duplantier, who warns that it’s nearly impossible to unload the “spice-baked albatross” once you’ve accepted delivery.

On Monday, December 12, 2004, I sent out a limerick about fruitcakes to my politickles subscriber list. Friday, my friend Charley told me he’d heard Paul Harvey reading it that morning on his radio program. Amazing! I also sent out the silly press release excerpted above and wound up being interviewed on morning drive-time radio programs in several major markets. What a wacky world!

  • Nov 17 / 2008
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Eucharistic Miracles

The Eucharistic Miracles Exhibit, St. Anselm Parish

The Eucharistic Miracles Exhibit at St. Anselm Parish in Creve Coeur

This weekend, our parish hosted an exhibit of Eucharistic miracles: a pictorial account of 126 Vatican-approved miracles involving the Blessed Sacrament. Midwestern churches interested in hosting the exhibit in their own area are encouraged to contact “Body of Christ Outreach” at 636-928-0384.

  • Nov 17 / 2008
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Your Weekly Politickle

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

If a kid is a bit of a scamp
And resists the new socialist stamp,
He will be reassigned
And his mind realigned
At a reeducational camp.


How grim is the socialist plan
To create a new socialist man,
Who’ll be malleably meek
And in no way unique
In a world that is hopelessly bland.

Last week’s limerick:

By nefarious allies surrounded,
With socialist nostrums propounded,
Obama has won,
The change has begun,
And I hope that my fears are unfounded.

  • Nov 16 / 2008
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Fan Mail

Marvin responded to last week’s Obama-themed politickle with this constructive suggestion: “Get a life.” Good advice, certainly, even for a father of six, like me, whose life is pretty full; but, still, it left me wondering what prompted his proffer, so I wrote back: “Was it something in particular that set you off?” No response. An unsolved mystery! (Where’s Robert Stack when you need him?) Assuming that Marvin’s wise counsel concealed a desire to unsubscribe, I reluctantly obliged. Perhaps the prodigal subscriber will return some day.

Later in the week, a more uplifting communique arrived from Odell: “I have not received any politickles for several weeks. Are you too busy? Or are you ill? I pray not, because I cannot function without politickles.”

Both Marvin and Odell have been on my subscribers list for several years, but I don’t know either one personally. Nevertheless — being, to some extent, human — I can’t help feeling more favorably disposed toward Odell. I made sure her address was back on the list (from which it had been mistakenly purged during a recent cleansing) and assured her that, like the U.S. mail, the Weekly Politickle is, and always has been, delivered rain or shine:

I’ve been sending out a politickle every week for 10+ years now and have never been too busy or too sick to get one out. So, if and when production really does stop, please say a prayer for the repose of my soul.

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