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  • Dec 08 / 2008
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Your Weekly Politickle

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

NAUGHTY
“I know just what I want for a gift,
And I’ll throw such a fit if I’m stiffed!
If you fail to come through,
Who knows what I might do?”
The pathetic executive sniffed.

Archive:

I OF THE STORM
William Jefferson struggled to hide
Every trace of his larcenous side,
While Katrina touched down
And destroyed the whole town
And constituents suffered and died.
(2006)

IDENTITY OF VICTIM MISTAKEN
“While Congress just sits there and fidgets,
We’ve got losses in high double digits:
We’ll never come back
From the terror attack
Without federal support for our widgets.”
(2001)

Last week’s limerick:

CHARGE!
At Thanksgiving we pull out the stopper
On commercialized Christmastime proper:
We’ll have six months to pay,
But stay out of the way
Of the stampeding psychotic shopper!

  • Dec 07 / 2008
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Stooge Christmas

I’ve got a surefire way to avoid the holiday blues — with a Three Stooges TV marathon!

Now that I’m happily married and have six children, I no longer have to worry about loneliness at Christmas. But there was a time, many years ago, when I too dreaded the onset of the holiday season, and one holiday season in particular when I’d never felt lower.

I still remember that worst Noel and the televised tonic that lifted me from the depths of despair: a Three Stooges marathon broadcast by an independent tv station in my hometown of New Orleans.

My melancholy was no match for the inspired madness of Moe, Larry, and Curly as they portrayed incompetent plumbers, scheming exterminators, and pie-throwing “gentlemen.” The one scene etched indelibly on my mind that night, appropriately enough, was of Moe accidentally pulling a Christmas tree down upon himself and slowly extracting from his mouth the string of lit Christmas lights he’d swallowed.

To capture that moment, and encourage holidazed others to take advantage of the uplift only the Three Stooges can provide, I rewrote the lyrics of one of the most popular Christmas tunes. With apologies to Walter Kent, Kim Gannon and Buck Ram (composers of the original), here is my Stooge version of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”:

Stooge Christmas
© 2004, F.R. Duplantier

I’ll be home for Christmas
you can plan on me
I must see Moe, Larry, Curly, or Joe
destroy a Christmas tree!

Christmas Eve will find me
where the blue light beams
I’ll be home for Christmas
watching Stooges on TV!

I’ll be home for Christmas
you can plan on me
I must see Moe, Larry, Shemp, Curly Joe
destroy a Christmas tree!

Christmas Eve will find me
where the blue light beams
I’ll be home for Christmas
watching Stooges on TV!

If you’re a Three Stooges fan, check out the official Three Stooges website. The album pictured above is available for download there.

  • Dec 06 / 2008
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My Favorite Christmas Music

Great Christmas albums: Glenn Miller, Mills Brothers, Aaron Neville, Michael Doucet

My wife is crazy for Christmas music and has an extensive collection. I’m not that wild about it myself, but I do like these four albums:

  1. “In the Nutcracker Mood,” the Glenn Miller Orchestra’s rollicking versions of selections from Tchaikovsky’s suite;
  2. The Mills Brothers’ “Merry Christmas,” guaranteed to bring harmony to your home;
  3. “Aaron Neville’s Soulful Christmas,” with the instant classic, “Louisiana Christmas Day“; and
  4. Michael Doucet’s “Christmas Bayou,” the best Cajun Christmas album on the market, and another instant classic in the title track.
  • Dec 05 / 2008
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Jingle Bells, Revised

I had a brainstorm the other day: an idea for a novelty song that could become a Christmas classic (see below). Instead of “Jingle Bells,” it’s “Jolies Belles,” to the same tune. It’s all about a guy who likes to dance with pretty girls and spends the whole day doing just that — in one Cajun town after another. (I actually did that once, thirty years ago, and it was fun, too!) All I need now is a Cajun band to record it for me. If you know of one that might be interested, please pass this on. (If you don’t know of any, but would like to, here’s a list. There’s nothing better than a good Cajun or Zydeco band for a party or special event.)

JOLIES BELLES
© 2008, F.R. Duplantier

One morning in Mamou,
I danced with Sal and Sue.
Ooh la la! Comme ci, comme ca,
How I love those pretty girls!

Jolies belles! Jolies belles!
J’aime les jolies belles!
Quelle joyeux c’est pour danser
Avec les jolies belles!

At breakfast in Breaux Bridge,
I danced with Madge and Midge.
Ooh la la! Comme ci, comme ca,
How I love those pretty girls!

Jolies belles, ETC.

Midday in Morgan City,
I danced with Kate and Kitty.
Ooh la la! Comme ci, comme ca,
How I love those pretty girls!

Jolies belles, ETC.

At lunch in Lafayette
I danced with Barb and Bette.
Ooh la la! Comme ci, comme ca,
How I love those pretty girls!

Jolies belles, ETC.

Afternoon in Abbeville,
I danced with Jane and Jill.
Ooh la la! Comme ci, comme ca,
How I love those pretty girls!

Jolies belles, ETC.

Late day in Thibodaux,
I danced with Fran and Flo.
Ooh la la! Comme ci, comme ca,
How I love those pretty girls!

Jolies belles, ETC.

That evening in Ville Platte,
I danced with Pam and Pat.
Ooh la la! Comme ci, comme ca,
How I love those pretty girls!

Jolies belles, ETC.

Midnight in Mermentau,
I danced with Liz and Lo.
Ooh la la! Comme ci, comme ca,
How I love those pretty girls!

Jolies belles, ETC.

  • Dec 04 / 2008
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Something Better than a Diet

I’ve discovered something better than a diet. You see, it’s not the extra weight I mind so much; it’s the way other people react to it that bothers me: the look of horror in the eyes of friends and relatives seeing me for the first time in many years, the sudden gasps they give out like the floor’s just fallen away beneath them. — “Something Better than a Diet,” F.R. Duplantier

Put on a little weight at Thanksgiving? Expecting to put on even more during the Christmas holidays? Resolving to take it off during the new year? Thinking about trying the latest weight-loss craze?

Quit kidding yourself. It’ll never work. The less you eat, the hungrier you’ll get — and then you’ll eat even more and get even fatter. So, forget about dieting and try my amazing plan instead.

If your objective in dieting is not to lose weight but to make a statement, my thematic diets may appeal to you.

  • Dec 03 / 2008
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Disenfranchise the Dumbbells

Fewer than half of all Americans can name all three branches of government, a minimal requirement for understanding America’s constitutional system. — Intercollegiate Studies Institute

This is a serious problem, for which I have three solutions:*

  1. For young people, my U.S. History Chant, a series of 45 jump rope verses that incorporate all the most important elements of our history and unique form of government;
  2. For older folks, my American Exceptionalism public service campaign, a series of ads that remind us of the blessings we enjoy as American citizens, and the obligation we have to protect them and pass them on to our children; and
  3. For all citizens old enough to exercise the franchise, my politically incorrect, but absolutely necessary voter’s test.

You got a better idea? Let’s hear it, and fast — or we’ll be subject to the Moron Majority forever.

*Decent schools free of radical socialist change agents masquerading as teachers would help, but let’s be realistic.

  • Dec 02 / 2008
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Subscribe Now, Pay Never!

You know me: I don’t pay retail. I don’t even pay wholesale. My preference is to have people pay me to take something, but those deals are hard to come by. In the meantime, cheap, cheaper, and free are the only three prices I’m willing to pay; and, when it’s cheap, I usually hold out for cheaper, or free. (Good things come to those who wait, and that’s the truth.) Thus, when I tell you that I have subscribed to Zenit, the international Catholic news agency, for several years now and read their email dispatches daily, you will be justified in concluding that it must be a good deal. And you will be right. It’s free, in fact. FREE! And for each person I sign up, I get a percentage of the subscription price! (Wait a minute! That’s nothing!) You, your family, and all your friends can also take advantage of the amazing offer outlined below:

Dear Readers,

We are living in hard times. The culture of death is pernicious, widespread and morbid.

However, the world is not all darkness; humanity is not dominated by evil. At St. Paul reminds us, where evil abounds, good abounds all the more.

As you, our readers, know, ZENIT was born precisely to recount the good that gives life and nourishes our civilization. We are not naive. Every day we come face to face with reality and its shadows, but we seek the most beautiful stories — those that nourish hope.

We are absolutely convinced that humanity was created by love to love. We discover this every day, when we come upon and recount to you the many stories of conversion and martyrdom, of acceptance and help for the poor and the sick, of charity, of forgiveness, of peace-building and of human solidarity.

It is these realities that we want to make known. This is the good news that is renewed every day. And it is with such a voice that we intend to continue nourishing hope and making it grow.

Humanity cannot live without hope! Without hope man does not embark upon any journey. With hope, there is a greater chance of bringing good to conquer evil each day.

That’s why we are asking you to help us spread ZENIT. You can give a gift subscription to anyone you wish.

We are not asking for money; we are asking you to go to:

http://www.zenit.org/english/gift.html

and add the names and e-mail addresses of anyone you think could benefit from ZENIT and its message of hope.

Thanks from the ZENIT team!

  • Dec 02 / 2008
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No Taxes Until July!

If the American people knew they were going to have no personal federal taxes until July 2009, how much debt could they pay down? How many mortgages would be saved? How many college tuitions could they pay? How much could they invest to rebuild their retirement accounts? — Newt Gingrich, Human Events

Sounds good to me. Give the money back to the people it came from, not to the bankers and politicians who created the crisis.

  • Dec 02 / 2008
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Crèche Course

Back in 1987 I came up with an ingenious way to remind yuletide revelers of the true meaning of Christmas: by rewriting the popular children’s verse that helped precipitate the commercialization of the holiday more than a century and a half ago.

In “A Visit from St. Nick,” better known as “The Night Before Christmas,” Clement Moore dispensed with the true story of the nativity and substituted instead a fanciful tale of a jolly fat fellow who flies from rooftop to rooftop in a reindeer-drawn sleigh and slides down chimneys with a bagful of stocking stuffers. It’s an imaginative and charming bit of nonsense, but it’s not what Christmas is all about.

In my revised version, entitled “A Visit from the Christ Child,” I offered a “crèche course” in the true meaning of Christmas, using the identical meter and rhyme scheme of Moore’s original poem to tell the story of a father who realizes that his family has succumbed to commercialization:

Twas the morning of Christmas, when all through the house
All the family was frantic, including my spouse;
For each one of them had one thing only in mind,
To examine the presents St. Nick left behind.

Gathering his family together, the father reminds them of the real significance of the occasion, recounting the details and explaining the significance of the birth of Jesus. He concludes with an exhortation to keep the true meaning of Christmas uppermost in their minds:

“Santa Claus, Christmas presents, a brightly lit pine,
Candy canes and spiced eggnog are all very fine;
Let’s have fun celebrating, but leave not a doubt
That Christ is what Christmas is really about!”

In the last 20 years, “A Visit from the Christ Child” has been frequently reprinted in magazines and church publications (even on the sides of millions of paper grocery bags, in 1992)) and widely posted on the internet. Please join our ongoing crusade to put Christ back in Christmas by circulating “A Visit from the Christ Child” widely. The poem is available online in its entirety here.

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