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  • May 14 / 2018
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Your Weekly Politickle: SCHNEIDERMAN

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

SCHNEIDERMAN
Schneiderman, Schneiderman
Has that Weiner and Spitzer gland:
S&M is his style,
Choking chicks makes him smile.
Look out! Here comes weird Schneiderman!

From the archive

“BIMBO ERUPTIONS”
“When a woman accuses, discredit her
(With the help of a compromised editor):
Though she’s anything but,
Call the woman a slut,”
Said the wife of a serial predator.
(2017)

RODHAM
“I support, I embrace, I exalt
Every victim of sexual assault
– Unless it was Bill
Exercising his will,
In which case, the hussy’s at fault.”
(2016)

CHILLARY
“Though I handled Bill’s bimbo outbreaks,
Doing damage control on ‘mistakes,’
It meant nothing to me
And I really don’t see,
At this point, what difference it makes.”
(2016)

HOW SPECIAL
Rules applied to the masses and not them,
But their hubris eventually got them:
First fell Spitzer, then Weiner,
And now somebody meaner –
The Belle of Benghazi, Ms. Rodham.
(2015)

SENSE OF HUMA
“If your husband is horny like Bill,
You should pose as the good wife like Hill.
Do whatever you must
To regain public trust:
Once in office, then do what you will.”
(2013)

WEINER DOES SINATRA
I’ve got the world on a screen,
I’m tweeting with a co-ed,
Got a thing about my weiner
What a word! Where’s my wife? I’m enlarged.

I’ve got a shot that I send,
It’ll make her brain blow,
Or, again, it might offend her –
Lusty me! Can’t you see? I’m enlarged.

Wife’s a wonderful thing
As long as I have my flings.
I’d be a really stupid schmo
If I should ever let her know.
(2011)

MISTWEETED
Little Anthony had to get meaner,
Being hung with a handle like Weiner,
Having always his surname
Being used as a slur name:
Could cognomens be any obscener?
(2011)

CRAFT PRODUCT
Oh, you ought to get an oscar, “Mayor” Weiner,
For the explanation of your tweet,
But I doubt you’ll get an oscar, “Mayor” Weiner,
Or even keep your legislative seat.
(2011)

AL GORGE
If a human is hungry for strudel,
He can get some by using his noodle,
But his quest for confection
May result in rejection
If he paws like a poor, crazed sex poodle.
(2010)

SPITZER
“New York State Attorney General” rang fine,
“New York Governor” sounded divine,
And yet even more eminent
Would have been “U.S. President”
– But, instead, he is now “Number 9.”
(2008)

MISS KOPECHNE REGRETS
“Though I’ll miss your grand tribute to Ted,
I’ll be with you in spirit instead
As you strive to deny
That grave night in July
When he swam off and left me for dead.”
(2004)

Last week’s limerick

TOXIC
Modern mother, what harm you have done:
You’ve admonished your fatherless son
Not to shout, not to run,
Not to shoot a toy gun,
Not to ever have any real fun!

  • May 07 / 2018
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Your Weekly Politickle: TOXIC

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

TOXIC
Modern mother, what harm you have done:
You’ve admonished your fatherless son
Not to shout, not to run,
Not to shoot a toy gun,
Not to ever have any real fun!

From the archive

BE PREPARED
Who knows what to make of “scouting”
And once-winsome words like “outing”?
What plain terms mean
May be obscene
When acceptance turns to touting.
(2013)

OUTLAW SCOUT LAW?
Should Scouts suppress their squareness
For fashionable fairyland “fairness”
And give badges of merit
To all who can parrot
Propaganda on “AIDS awareness”?
(2001)

BOYS WILL BE BOYS
“If we must give up guns, sticks, and balls
And like girls be content just with dolls,
Then we’ll rip off their heads
And tear them to shreds
And bounce all the bits off the walls.”
(2001)

Lagniappe

PUT IT ON THE LIST
(Mother’s plea, to the tune
of “Puttin’ on the Ritz”)

Have you seen the work I do
Up and down this house for you?
When I come back from the store,
Then you tell me we need more

Bath soap and talcum powder,
Parsnips and crab-corn chowder,
Premium potting soil
And aluminum foil?

If we need more peanut butter,
Communicate that to your mother,
Please assist:
Put it on the list.

No, I didn’t buy
More cans of tuna,
Tell me why
You couldn’t ask me sooner.
Can’t read lips:
Put it on the list.

Mustard’s gone
And I’m left out the loop on.
Makes me mad,
I had a half-price coupon
(On Grey Poupon)!

You can grin
And bear your sorrow.
I won’t shop again
Until tomorrow
Don’t throw fits:
Put it on the list.

Pepper jack
Would make you happy snackers?
It’s too bad that
There’s a lack of crackers.
(Sorry, slackers)!

If you’d write
Before I’m shopping,
Then I might
Avoid some stopping
I insist:
Put it on the list!
(2015)

Last week’s limerick

DEEP STATE
They assure us they’re loyal and true
And were not instigating a coup
By creating the illusion
Of Russian collusion.
Well, that’s that. I’m convinced. How about you?

  • Apr 30 / 2018
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Your Weekly Politickle: DEEP STATE

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

DEEP STATE
They assure us they’re loyal and true
And were not instigating a coup
By creating the illusion
Of Russian collusion.
Well, that’s that. I’m convinced. How about you?

From the archive

RUN FOR THE ROSE GARDEN
In her desperate bid for the crown,
She has found herself trailing Big Brown;
At the end of the race
Looms a lame second place
And the prospect of being put down.
(2008)

Last week’s limerick

A HIGHER ROYALTY
There’s a law that prohibits a crook
From producing a film or a book,
Making even one dime
By exploiting his crime:
Maybe Comey should give it a look.

  • Apr 23 / 2018
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Your Weekly Politickle: A HIGHER ROYALTY

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

A HIGHER ROYALTY
There’s a law that prohibits a crook
From producing a film or a book,
Making even one dime
By exploiting his crime:
Maybe Comey should give it a look.

From the archive

JIM RAT
Comey’s IQ may be higher
And that maybe makes him slyer
Than us common folk,
But he’s still a joke –
And a pathological liar.
(2018)

WELL, DUH!
I had never the slightest confusion
And came easily to this conclusion,
Needing no one to show me
It was Mueller and Comey
With the Clintons engaged in collusion.
(2017)

ONE LAW
Equal justice is our paradigm
And applies to commission of crime.
That’s why Comey and Lynch
Should both feel the “pinch”
And Obama and Clinton do time.
(2017)

LYNCHPIN
“Don’t worry,” said Bill, “it’s a cinch.
We just need to hang tough and not flinch.
How can acts be illicit
When the boss is complicit
And our friend will come through in a pinch?”
(2016)

Last week’s limerick

TITLE NEIN
“The gold medal I won in a whirl
At the annual state intermural:
You may think I’m a scamp,
But I’m still the new champ –
And the boy who just beat the best girl.”

  • Apr 16 / 2018
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Your Weekly Politickle: TITLE NEIN

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

TITLE NEIN
“The gold medal I won in a whirl
At the annual state intermural:
You may think I’m a scamp,
But I’m still the new champ –
And the boy who just beat the best girl.”

From the archive

BACK IN THE CLOSET!
We relented and let you come out,
But we never expected you’d flout
All the rules of decorum
In whatever forum –
And adopt worse perversions to tout.
(2017)

DESENSITIZATION
We’re mainstreaming perverted carnality
(Homophilia to bestiality),
But remove the taboo
And they’re less “fun” to do:
That’s the fitting, ironic reality.

(2017)

SPOTTED
A ladybug, asked why
She seemed to be so shy
About sharing a shower
On a marigold flower,
Said, “That ladybug’s a guy!”
(2016)

YIKES!
“You may claim that you’re not anti-gay,
But to prove that you mean what you say
You must now demonstrate
That you really don’t hate –
And to do that, there’s only one way.”
(2016)

DEAD END
Though the mob is completely insane, though
They cause everyone so much pain, though
They shout and shove
And call it “love,”
There is death at the end of the rainbow.
(2015)

YOU’RE IN DOUBT?
“If you’re not really sure of your stance
As to bathrooms, then why take a chance?
Confused about gender?
Do what I do: Surrender —
And just stand there and pee in your pants.”
(2015)

UNLOCKER ROOM
In the past when a pervert would peek,
He’d be met with a slap or a shriek:
Now he says he’s a woman,
Is entitled to come in,
Not be treated like some kind of freak.
(2015)

THE ADVOCATE
No man’s perfect, nor ever has been:
We fall over and over again,
And, while some turn to prayer,
Many others despair
Or crusade on behalf of their sin.
(2015)

PAN
S/he was straight, s/he was bi, s/he was gay:
Openminded, s/he went any way,
Even trying out trans,
At last settling on sans,
Too exhausted for any more play.
(2014)

AGITPROP
Maybe three in a hundred are bent,
And one tenth of that number intent
On pretending to wed
Same-sex partners instead:
All this turmoil for three-tenths percent?
(2012)

BULLIES
In the 50s our fathers knew best,
But back then they could scarcely have guessed
That a mere three percent
Who are sexually bent
Would intimidate all of the rest.
(2012)

CZARDOM & GOMORRAH
“We are in your schools now and polluting
All the innocent minds we’re rebooting:
There’ll be total immersion
In every perversion
And the schools will be safe for recruiting.”
(2011)

BAD SAMARITANS
When a brother has wandered astray,
Those who love him will show him the way;
Those who follow the fashion
Of corrupted compassion
Will assure him his sin is okay.
(2010)

SAFE AND UNSOUND
There’s “safe sex” and “safe schools” and “safe touch,”
“Safe this” and “safe that” and “safe such,”
But, if “safe” now means “queer”
And is said with a leer,
The word “safe” doesn’t comfort me much.
(2009)

IN TOLERANCE
Left-wing radicals running our schools
Do great harm with their inverted rules:
They oppose every norm,
Reject custom and form,
And show deference to freaks and to fools.
(2007)

LAWRENCE V. TEXAS
The evil with which men are ridden
In normal times hardly is hidden,
But no era’s more awful
Than when vice is made lawful
And propriety, then, is forbidden.
(2003)

NOVEL IDEA
In The Wanting Seed, Anthony Burgess
Prophesied the preposterous purges
He knew surely would come
When the righteous play dumb
And the vicious give vent to their urges.
(2003)

Last week’s limerick

BASKET OF DEPORTABLES
“If you come to our home the right way,
Friendly strangers, you’re welcome to stay;
If you try to sneak in,
You’ll be sent back again:
‘Bon voyage!’ and ‘Have an ICE day!’”

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