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2001

2001

The Year in Verse
A Politickles Retrospective

MORE STUDY
The multi-year study’s completed,
But no one will bother to read it,
‘Cause we already know
That the research will show
That more research is needed.

ANCHORS AWAY!
Poor old Peter, Tom, and Dan,
Hanging on as long as they can!
Replace those fossils
With three John Stossels:
Topple TV’s Taliban!

BIPARTISAN GYP
“It may seem like a major transgression
In the midst of a growing recession,
But we have the yeas
To enact our raise
And can weather the bad impression.”

DOUBLE DUTY
You may think that I’m trying to shirk
Or abusing a privilege or perk:
Sure, I haven’t left home
Since I had myself cloned,
But I’m sending my double to work!

IDENTITY OF VICTIM MISTAKEN
“While Congress just sits there and fidgets,
We’ve got losses in high double digits:
We’ll never come back
From the terror attack
Without federal support for our widgets.”

RECONDIT
I don’t mean to sound so scary,
But a young girl should be wary
Of incurring the wrath
Of a psychopath —
Or a congressman named Gary.

W STANDS FOR WINNING
In the midst of waging a war,
We have much to be thankful for,
Since it’s President Bush
Who’s leading the push
Instead of President Gore.

THE GRATINGEST GENERATION
It’s rather unpleasant, the truth:
We Boomers were rude and uncouth.
But now that we’re grown
We’ve a chance to atone
For our miserable, wastrel youth.

MODEST PROPOSAL
You’re opposed to “unnatural” means
Like genetically altering beans?
Then tell your brood,
When we run out of food,
That they’ll just have to eat those Greens!

BORN-AGAIN PATRIOTS
Those Boomers bred on blame
Have recovered from their shame:
They fly the flag
And do not gag
On the Pledge they now proclaim.

I’VE GOT MAIL!
What a popular guy I am!
My inbox is just a jam!
I never fail
To get lots of mail!
(Okay, so it’s mostly spam.)

SEPTEMBER 11TH
Kissed my loved one at the door.
No idea what lay in store.
In the tower
Not an hour.
Now my loved one is no more.

OCTOBER 18, 1986
I had covered quite a span
As a 30-year-old man,
But I have to say
My wedding day
Was when my life began.

PeTR
Some groups save endangered flocks.
Our group saves endangered rocks.
Send your donation
To our foundation:
Help maintain our P.O. Box.

SHELF LIFE
Milk turned sour, pop gone flat —
We would never stand for that,
But the office holder
Is allowed to molder,
Going stale while standing pat.

FREE DUMB
“Sorry, Son, I know it’s cruel
Letting you be raised a fool,
But if it’s free
That’s fine by me:
You’re going to public school!”

RAP UNWRAPPED
Rude displays of disaffection,
Incitation to insurrection,
And an artless screech
Are not “free speech”
And warrant no protection.

THE PRICE IS RIOT
A new cell phone or VCR?
CD player to put in your car?
Don’t bother to buy it,
Just set off a riot,
Get it free at the bandits’ bazaar.

POLICE, THANK YOU!
Promise next time you see one you’ll stop,
When out for a stroll or to shop,
And give him a hand
For taking a stand:
It’s the least you can do for a cop.

GHOULS 2000
When deprived of proper tools,
Teachers turn out proper fools —
And not a smidgeon
Of religion
Is allowed in public schools.

PRESERVATION CAJUN-STYLE
Save the salmon and save the seal,
Save the gator and save the eel,
The dolphin, the whale,
The mussel, the snail:
Save them all for my next meal.

OUTLAW SCOUT LAW?
Should Scouts suppress their squareness
For fashionable fairyland “fairness”
And give badges of merit
To all who can parrot
Propaganda on “AIDS awareness”?

LOST ON EARTH
We’re so eager to find a trace
Of the least little life in space,
But here on Earth
We bar the birth
Of lives we could embrace.

TWO-WAY TRAFFIC
It came as an inspiration,
The solution to mass immigration:
For each incoming worker,
Deport one native shirker
To some socialist paradise nation.

SMART GROWTH?
That deed that you hold in your hand
Gives you title to this piece of land,
But you better had not
Develop this lot —
‘Cause that’s not what the County has planned.

PHONY EXPRESS
It’s not all that hard to explain
Why the media fawn on McCain:
You know they would balk
At truly “straight talk,”
But they love a Republican bane.

ARTFUL DODGERS
The Vietnam Vets get the shaft
From the folks in the filmmaking craft,
For their stories are told
By those brave souls of old:
Their peers who avoided the draft.

CALIFORNIA DREAMING
Californians who once liked to boast
Of the absence of rigs off their coast
Are suddenly thrilling
To the prospect of drilling
If it means they can always make toast.

BOOBY PRIZE
For years his rare record has stood
And it looked like forever it would,
But Bill Clinton’s the man
Who said, “Yes, yes I can:
I can make Jimmy Carter look good!”

FLAG POLL
As a gift for every descendant
In a Pledge of Allegiance amendment,
Would it be permissible
After “indivisible”
To add “sovereign and independent”?

FALLS CONFIDENCE?
There’s no better month than June
For a second honeymoon,
So it’s off to Niagara
With a quart of Viagra
And an extra-large measuring spoon!

MILITANT FEMINISM?
In the army, the air force, or navy,
One must answer “Yes, Sir!” never “Maybe”
— Except for the faction
Who decline to see action,
Who say “‘Scuse, me, I’m having a baby!”

SAME-SEX MARRIAGE?
There’s nothing new under the sun:
Two women or men can’t be one
And only a jerk’ll
Try squaring a circle
‘Cause some things aren’t meant to be done.

OVERSIGHT
Show us where in the argumentation
For new “standards” in education
Is their rigorous quality
Or idle frivolity
Given any consideration.

A TACT
Diplomacy often can settle
Disputes that have started to nettle,
But be ready to fight
Or you just might invite
Your opponent to test your mettle.

ABATED BREATH
Whether sickly or healthy and hale,
We object when the air gets too stale,
But what shall we do
When they ban CO2
And deny us the right to exhale?

FISCAL ABUSE
“Sure, we’re faced with a revenue glut
And could lower your tax levels, but
It takes plenty of dough
To make government grow
And we just can’t afford any cut!”

CHOICE POSITION
Don’t be fooled by the “pro-choice” ruse
That amoralists use to confuse,
For your choices could
Be bad or good
And it matters how you choose.

SEND IN THE CLONES
If our Congressmen fail to enthrall,
We can answer technology’s call,
For we now have the means
To duplicate genes
And make copies of men like Ron Paul!

MAGIC WORDS
Sir and ma’am and thanks and please —
Have you children heard of these?
Their cost is nil,
But their usage will
Set your elders’ minds at ease.

GENTLEMENTAL RESERVATION
Once we paused to hold the door,
Letting ladies go before;
Now manners vex
The fairer sex
And we dare not anymore.

ZOMBIES
From justice they craftily fled
And avoided the sanctions they dread;
Now O.J. and Bill
Can linger at will
In the night of the fast-living dead.

STORK MARKET
While their cohorts are making big “bread,”
Staying childless, and planning ahead;
Folks with families of four,
Five, six, seven, or more
Are investing in children instead.

CONTACT SPORT?
How we begged Beth and Suzy and Pat
To come grapple with us on the mat!
We knew we could nestle
If they’d just let us wrestle,
But the girls were too clever for that.

BOYS WILL BE BOYS
“If we must give up guns, sticks, and balls
And like girls be content just with dolls,
Then we’ll rip off their heads
And tear them to shreds
And bounce all the bits off the walls.”

REPARATIONS
Life is so unfair!
It’s more than I can bear!
Starting today,
You all must pay
So I can have my share!

INTELLIGENT DESIGN
Did this limerick just appear?
Was this limerick always here?
Surely you know it
Betokens a poet
Like Duplantier, Nash, or Lear.

DISCONTINUING RESOLUTIONS
Resolutions I’ve hastily made
Are infrequently kept, I’ m afraid;
Still, I find I can live up
To a promise to give up
Resolutions I’ve hastily made.

DIVISION LEADER
Who has kept black Americans down
And spread hatred from town to town?
No, it’s no Anglo-Saxon
But the Reverend Jackson
Who’s the rabidest racist around!

BILL PAYING
Pardon him, pardon her, pardon you.
Pardon everyone Bill ever knew.
There’s no need to be frugal:
Pardon Hubbell, McDougall,
Pardon Gore, pardon Hillary too!

COUNT THEM OUT!
Election reformers, take note:
The folks in Palm Beach missed the boat.
If they can’t punch a ballot
Without using a mallet,
Then they’ve proven they’re not fit to vote.

LOSING IT
Albert screamed on Inaugural Day
As the ambulance took him away:
“I’m the king! I’m the czar!
I’m Simba! Babar!
I’m the sovereign of all I survey!”

MISSED ALREADY
Their abuses I could not abide
And I’m thankful their third term’s denied,
But this ranter in rhyme
May have a hard time
Without Clinton and Gore to deride.