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2004

2004

The Year in Verse
A Politickles Retrospective

YULE GET OVER IT
So what if you feel disempowered
By someone who’s grimaced or glowered?
If you’re frightened to say
“Merry Christmas” today,
You’re simply a Noel coward!

FOOD CHAIN
Some people will complain
Or think that you’re insane
When you send out ten
To foe and friend
And start a fruitcake chain.
But those ten people then
Will send out ten again:
Not one will deign
To break the chain
And risk a tragic end.
One caution you should heed
Before you do proceed:
What you send out may
Come back one day
In numbers you don’t need.
FRUITCAKE
A fruitcake came one day
And I sent it on its way.
The next day, then,
It was back again,
But here it cannot stay.
I sent it to one brother,
Who sent it to another.
It eventually
Came back to me,
In a package from my mother.
I sent it to a friend —
At least, he was ’til then.
He sent it back
With a caustic crack
And we never spoke again.
I sent it to my boss
And signed it “Santa Claus.”
My name he guessed
And readdressed
That spice-baked albatross.
I sent it to a client,
Who proved to be defiant:
It seems the space
In his office place
Is fruitcake noncompliant.
I picked someone at random
In hopes that he could stand ’em.
It was returned:
Somehow he’d learned
I was the Fruitcake Phantom.
If a fruitcake comes today,
I think I’ll let it stay.
It’s crystal clear
Its place is here —
And I must move away.
UN-NECESSARY
Idiotic explanations
For irrational expectations
— Why we need to belong
When things always go wrong —
Cannot save the United Nations.
NAMING NAMES
An appropriate name is “Pa(i)ge”
For a pedagogical sage!
And isn’t it telling
That Miss Margaret “Spellings”
Should succeed Mr. Paige on the stage?
THANKSGIVING
Lord, we ask of you a boon:
To bless our guests this noon.
We’re so grateful they
Could come today —
And have to leave real soon!
SCOUT PROMISE
How nobly the Boy Scout aspires
To those virtues Tradition admires
And, like Rough Riding Teddy,
Prepares to be ready
To do what his duty requires!
SPECTER OF BETRAYAL
Follow through now, triumphant elector:
You prevailed as the unborn’s protector,
But the victory you’ve won
May be cruelly undone
By the sinister Senator Specter!
NIGHT OF THE VOTING DEAD
“We’ll be summoned from slumberous state
To endorse the quadrennial slate;
Then it’s back to the grave,
Where we’ll try to behave
‘Til the conclave of 2008!”
BABES FOR BUSH
Try as hard as you possibly can,
You’ll not find even one Kerry fan:
As election day looms,
All the babes in their wombs
Know instinctively Bush is their man!
REGISTERED VOTERS
The polls open and who comes in?
Mary Poppins and Mickey Finn,
Then Betty Boop
And Alley Oop,
Sherlock Holmes and Gunga Din!
CHARLES GIBSON
He wants no one improperly swayed
When the candidates each are surveyed;
So, just to be fair, he
Lets both Bush and Kerry
Cite mistakes that the President’s made.
ABUSING THE BODY POLITIC
The electorate’s degenerating
From incessantly agitating:
We’ve got pimples and palms
That are giving us qualms —
That’s what comes from mass debating!
KERRY DOCTRINE
“If we take the preemptive track
With an enemy like Iraq,
My first ‘global test’
Is the plan must be blest
By the country we aim to attack.”
THE GREAT BUMPKIN
Linus scans the nightscape scary
For a form imaginary:
There, looming tall
Like an orange ball,
Glows a pumpkin-colored Kerry!
DOUBLE DIPPER
In New York or New Jersey a voter
Who winters in warm Sarasota
Files an absentee ballot
That is counted as valid
And doubles his ballot-box quota.
RATHER EMBARRASSING
“The truth of the matter, of course, is
We rely on anonymous sources,
On political hacks,
Certifiable quacks,
And extraterrestrial forces.”
THE LIBERAL
“You may think I’ve got rocks in my head
Or that maybe I’m even brain-dead,
But you needn’t complain
‘Cause I don’t use my brain:
I rely on emotions instead.”
KERRY SCHEMATIC
“If the voters could only see
How I windsurf and snowboard and ski,
How I take nature hikes
And ride mountain bikes,
I’m quite certain they’d vote for me.”
RABBIT REACTION
John Kerry’s “bunny day”
Was such a funny day,
But to friends in France
His silly stance
Was not a “bonne idée.”
SWIFT BOAST COMMANDER
“Stubbed a toe and broke a nail!
Cracked a tooth on bread too stale!
Suffered Wound Number Three
On a seesaw, see —
When a splinter pierced my tail!”
BRANDED BROTHER
Should we boo or should we applaud
One so fine or fatally flawed?
Is John Kerry a hero
Or despicable zero,
Man of honor or posturing fraud?
KERRY THROUGH
In July he was poising to pounce,
His opponent to properly trounce,
But that kind of coup
Is not easy to do
When you start with a negative bounce!
HARE-Y KERRY
He was known for a manner imperious,
With pretensions that now seem delirious,
For a man in the habit
Of a powder-blue rabbit
Can’t expect to be taken too serious.
RAW BERGER
When archivists morph into gapers
And some are succumbing to vapors,
You can bet that ol’ Sandy
Is feeling real randy
— Or packing his pants with more papers!
CONVENTIONAL SPOUSE
“It’s a bitter-to-swallow pill
(And you know that I’ve had my fill),
But, if that’s all I get,
Then I’ll have to accept
Introducing my husband, Bill.”
KERRY COURTING
“Such an offer I couldn’t refuse,
And so I decided to choose
A man second to me
Who would handle for free
A big class action suit if we lose.”
KERRY OVER THE THRESHOLD
“It was easy determining which
Helpmate to have in a hitch:
I’m less likely to lose
If I’m careful to choose
A partner who’s terribly rich.”
MISS KOPECHNE REGRETS
“Though I’ll miss your grand tribute to Ted,
I’ll be with you in spirit instead
As you strive to deny
That grave night in July
When he swam off and left me for dead.”
FOUR-LETTER MAN
Cheney champions cherish the day he
Dispensed with pretense and the way he
So aptly expressed
His contempt for a pest:
The counterfeit Catholic Pat Leahy.
THE UNEXAMINED “LIFE”
No, I’m not buying Bill Clinton’s book
And I won’t even give it a look —
Had enough of that hound
The first time around
And have nothing to learn from a crook.
VOTER’S ED
Here’s a subject that’s never addressed:
If some competence must be assessed
For the driver and boater,
Then shouldn’t the voter
Pass a basic proficiency test?
DERRY PRODUCT
Since it started ten years ago,
All his listeners have been in the know
And admired his defense
Of plain common sense
On the ol’ Derry Brownfield Show!
FAREWELL, MR. PRESIDENT
How that constant, comic quipper
With his humor kept us chipper!
He’s no longer here,
So let’s go out there
And win one for the Gipper!
GRAD SONG
The student goes to college
And an education forges,
But I fed too much
On knowledge and such,
And now my brain disgorges:
Within the dark and dismal class,
You’ll no longer spot my features.
My notes I burned,
And since I’ve learned
What I never could from teachers.
LIME SCHEME
A perfectionist poet was picky
And found writing light verse rather tricky,
So he sought inspiration
From an apt distillation
In a perfectly punny lime rickey.
STRAIGHT TALK FOR THE QUEER GUY
There’s no doubt that you’re deft at design,
Can select an appropriate wine,
And know just how to dress,
But your life is a mess
‘Cause you don’t idolize the divine.
DOLLAR BILL
Clinton soon will be basking in glory
With a tale we know false a priori.
How I wish some dumb clucks
Would pay 12 million bucks
To field my fabricated life story!
KERRY, KERRY, QUITE CONTRARY
“Yes, I threw all my medals away!
Yes, I still have them all on display!
How can these two
Contradictions be true?
It depends on the time of day.”
EASY SQUEEZE
When John F. Kerry signs
On dotted bottom lines,
At the end of the day
Who has to pay —
Is it him or is it Heinz?
COMMISSION IMPOSSIBLE
The “impartial” commission betrayed
Public trust and became a charade:
Unfair and uncouth,
They have trampled the truth,
Blaming Bush for the mess Clinton made.
PEST CONTROL
No longer can Kerrey deny
That certain expressions apply:
Now that Condi has got her
Very own swatter
And Kerrey’s a comatose fly.
ROAD CLOSED
From a film they were fretting a frost
In relations, but don’t give a toss
About passion provoked
And hostility stoked
When Sharon bars the Way of the Cross.
KERRY SUPPORTER
“If that hard core I remember
Leaves me hanging in November,
Instead of a sock,
My new ‘Wonder Jock’
Will help rally the Party member.”
UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE?
“There’s no hope for a John F. Kerry win,
‘Cause there aren’t enough John F. Kerry men
— Unless (make a note!)
The whole world could vote:
John’s the choice of the non-American.”
IRISH TOO
“Must he make it so hard to keep track?
First he’s French, then he’s Jewish, then Black.”
“Aye and begorra,
Sure’n tomorrow
It’s the Irish John Kerry comes back.”
IRISH STEWED
“Tis the grandest green beer that I’ve seen!
Just as grand as the lads I’m between!”
“Stop your staggerin’, McMillan,
Or my beer you’ll be spillin’
And we both’ll be wearin’ the green!”
NARROWCASTER
“Like a beast in a bottomless bog
Who parades in perpetual fog,
Though unseen and unheard
I’m supremely assured
In the bliss of my blithering blog.”
THE PASSION OF THE ANTI-CHRISTS
“You won’t work in this town again, bub,
‘Cause there’s one thing we know: how to snub.
— What? The film’s doing well?
We believed in you, Mel.
Let’s do lunch. Welcome back to the club!”
MEA CULPA
How fully prim piety fails
And scarcely scapegoating avails
When I add my own ration
To Christ’s frightful passion
And with my hands help drive in the nails.
BLONDE AMBITION
“If I take second place to some worm
And prepare him a berth on the berm,
Then, when he’s gone
And it’s time to move on,
I’ll be able to serve out his term.”
DAMAGE CONTROL
“She had something to get off her chest
And decided to make a clean breast;
We assure you that Janet
Did not mean it or plan it:
She just happened to wind up undressed.”
CASHIER KERRY
If Lieutenant John Kerry defamed
All the vets he said murdered and maimed,
Should these victims of slander
Make Kerry Commander —
Or ensure that the charlatan’s shamed?
WHY GENERATION
For magnolia, for moss, and for myrtle,
For tarpon, for toad, and for turtle,
For the bird and the beast,
And for mankind not least,
The future belongs to the fertile.
PET THEORY
With the vets of the world all affirming
That cats and dogs daily are squirming
As they go through the drills
Of force-feeding them pills,
Will the skeptics accept global worming?
CARCASS RACE
Dean and Gephardt start to run.
Kerry, Edwards join the fun.
They hear a whoosh
— And there goes Bush,
Lapping everyone.
BEST ACTOR: REAGAN
If all the world’s a stage,
As we’re told by bard and sage,
Then it’s clear that “Dutch,”
Who did so much,
Was the actor of our age.
ESCHEWING MEAT?
Any sensible person would
Avoid a mad cow if he could,
But I’m willing to take
A rare chance with a steak
‘Cause there’s nothing that tastes so good!