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2013

2013

The Year in Verse
A Politickles Retrospective

WHITE LIE
As the years made them grayer and golder,
Every New Year’s he hugged her and told her
That he loved her and she
Was still young as could be —
Though their children had gotten much older.

ORTHODUCKS
Let the deviants raise their great din
Because someone called sodomy sin:
Though they sway A&E,
They can’t make you and me
Or the Robertsons ever give in.

GLIMMER
Comes the end of the overlong night
And the dawn of the life-giving Light:
Pagans say Christians stole this,
But the old winter solstice
Foreshadowed a predestined rite.

LOOK!
There’s a cross holding phone lines up high,
There’s a Eucharist disc in the sky:
If you’re seeking a sign
Of a present Divine,
All you need is a sharp, searching eye.

BLANK FRIDAY
I’m not certain it actually pays
To be part of the Black Friday craze.
Am I first in the store?
No, I’m at the wrong door
— After camping out 25 days.

BLOCK
For so long I have dreaded this day
When my muse might meander away!
Now my deadline has come
And I feel really dumb,
‘Cause I find I have nothing to say.

TURKEY SURPRISE
“Maw, I cain’t get the butcherin’ done.
You an’ Granny had both better run:
That big turkey’s a-fussin’
An’ comin’ for us’n —
With my hatchet and Paw’s 12-gauge gun!”

OBAMAWEAR
This new one-size-fits-all suit fits bad
And cost more than the nice suit I had:
The new jacket’s too tight,
The new trousers aren’t right,
And my one choice of fabric was plaid.

TA DA!
“I’m so sorry Obamacare’s bad
And the folks I bamboozled are mad,
But I’ve not been defeated:
In fact, I’ve succeeded —
In breaking the system we had.”

PASSIVE REGRESSIVE
There’ll be someone to see that we share
And make sure that we always play fair,
That we want to behave
From the cradle to grave:
I can’t wait for ObamaDayCare.

DIGITAL COMMUNICATION
Barry’s Halloween costume’s a zinger.
It requires barely lifting a finger.
Haven’t you heard, man?
He’s going as Birdman,
As a gesture for every right-winger.

UNDELIVERABLE
Now you’re covered to end this “condition”
And can freely forestall all fruition;
Still, you think that just maybe
You might opt for a baby,
But Obamacare won’t grant permission.

LAME
Baby Barry (What a cluck!)
Always likes to pass the buck.
When the chumps
Won’t take his lumps,
Baby Barry’s out of luck.

HISSY FIT
Baby Barry ran away.
Baby Barry will not play.
There’ll be nothing done
And no more fun
‘Til the baby gets his way.

OPT-OUT
To please Democrats pushing preemption
And Republicans craving redemption,
Let Obamacare
Be utterly fair
And grant everyone an exemption.

UNSAFE AT HOME
We Americans should be alarmed
That our troops overseas might be harmed,
But they’re much safer there
Than at bases back here
Where defenders have all been disarmed.

NULL & VOID
Founding Fathers, so afraid
Some might mar the pact they’d made,
Said a law unlawful
Is something awful
And need not be obeyed.

BARRYOMETER
‘I take credit for any success —
All the plaudits and all the good press —
But find others to blame
And assume all the shame
When my policies make a big mess.’

WAGE WAR
A burger the price of a steak?
A $10 chocolate shake?
$10 fries
And hot apple pies?
Who remembers “deserving a break”?

TELL ME AGAIN
Getting older, a geezer may grouse
When forgetting the name of his spouse
Or when needing a clue
As to how to get to
The bathroom that’s in his own house.

VACAY
“Going places together’s a drag
As Michelle and I’d rather go stag:
Either way, we both will
Rashly run up the bill
And leave taxpayers holding the bag.

RODEOBAMA
Did a single State Fairgoer frown
At the thought of a bull running down
Such a shuffling shirker
And smart-aleck smirker
As Obama the rodeo clown?

“DID I DO THAT?
When the blood of Seals is spilled,
U.S. border agents killed,
And our boys in Benghazi
Become kamikaze,
We must ask by whom it’s willed.

SENSE OF HUMA
“If your husband is horny like Bill,
You should pose as the good wife like Hill.
Do whatever you must
To regain public trust:
Once in office, then do what you will.”

MARYLAND HEIST
He’s supposed to protect and defend,
But in Maryland Heights it’s pretend:
When you come to a stop,
You get robbed by a cop
Whose department wants money to spend.

ORDURE IN THE COURT
Choosing sides and then nursing a grudge
With a wink and a nod and a nudge,
One who knew the imperative
Of maintaining a narrative:
Debra Nelson the partisan judge.

INTOLERANT GAZE
With attire and with actions obscene,
Parade-goers are out to demean,
To insult and offend
And right order upend:
It’s not pride they’re displaying, but spleen.

MARTINIZING
“May his memory not be defiled,
This young angel who never was wild.
Pay no heed to the lies
That suggest otherwise:
Lil Trayvon was an innocent child!”

SPY VERSUS PIE
“Hello? Hello? Hello?
I am trying to reach Domino’s.
Who is this? ‘NSA’?!!!
Take my order, okay?
Tell them three deep-dish pizzas to go!”

HAPPY WHATEVER’S DAY!
“Is your father a man? I’m so glad.
That’s the kind that I wish that I had —
One that’s not a pretender,
One that is the right gender —
But my mother’s butch lover’s my ‘dad.'”

BIG EARS
Does Obama read my email?
Does Obama tap my phone?
Does he peer into my bedroom
With a dragonfly-shaped drone?
Does he know my favorite color,
Movie, music, and cologne?
Does he know I like chai latte
With a croissant or a scone?
Does he know where I’ve donated,
Where I’ve driven to or flown?
Does he check my charge card charges
Just as if they were his own?
Does he recognize no boundaries
And respect no private zone?
Does Obama lack the decency
To leave us all alone?

STUCK IN DEBASEMENT
Treat your people as if they were knaves,
Make them crave what an animal craves,
Confiscate all their wealth,
Micromanage their health,
And you’ll soon have a nation of slaves.

BE PREPARED
Who knows what to make of “scouting”
And once-winsome words like “outing”?
What plain terms mean
May be obscene
When acceptance turns to touting.

PEER REVIEW
“Kermit Gosnell has gotten us riled,
By his actions we’ve all been defiled,
But he does not belong
With the rest of our throng:
We have standards for killing a child!”

HILLARITY
“Though she’s ugly, dishonest, and mean,
Just the wickedest witch ever seen,
She’s the best that we’ve got,
So let’s give her a shot
And elect her in Twenty-Sixteen.”

POST GRAD
“Only oldsters like me will still know
What those cities were called long ago
— Hallowed names they once had,
Those now ending in -grad:
San Francisco, St. Louis, St. Joe.”

PULL!
With much practice, a trap shooter hones
His precision with shotguns he owns,
But his targets today
Are not made out of clay:
In his backyard, he’s shooting down drones.

REVERSE RIDE
Listen, my children, and you shall hear
Of the Boylston St. bombers’ brief career:
How demagogues avidly used the alarm
To bully their betters and make them disarm
And a people once free succumbed to their fear.

IRON LADY
There was no one in England could match her,
Not one woman or man of her stature.
She was destined to be
In that Triumphant Three:
John Paul II, Ronald Reagan, Dame Thatcher.

SWISH!
“It was best not to tell it or ask it,
But it’s out now, so why try to mask it?
Yes, Obama enjoys
Pick-up games with the boys,
But he pouts when he can’t get a basket.”

HE LIVES
Demons dread this day,
They hate to hear us say
Year after year
The phrase they fear:
¡Viva Cristo Rey!

OAF FOR OFA*
“I will post on a popular site
That appeals to the rubes on the right,
I’ll pretend to engage them,
Then I’ll quickly enrage them,
Leaving heat where there might have been light.”
*Organizing for Action

POPE QUIZ
“I’m-a not-a so sure, I’m perplex:
How we s’pose-a to choose pontifex?”
“It’s a cinch,” Guido say,
“They just got-a two way:
It’s-a called the conclave and convlex.”

ADIOS, AMEBA!
It was only a matter of when:
Hugo Chavez, the meanest of men,
A life thankfully brief,
Full of vices, the chief
Being friendship with actor Sean Penn.

SEDE VACANTE
When uncertainty hangs in the air,
It behooves us to gather in prayer
With the hope that God will
Send us someone to fill
The unoccupied president’s chair.*
*Hat tip to Clint Eastwood

AMERICAN HERO
All the reds Joe McCarthy once named
Have turned out to be just what he claimed.
Is this patriot praised
For the warnings he raised?
No, McCarthy’s the one who is shamed!

SIGN?
When another grand stratagem fails
And not one of my efforts avails,
I look up and I spy
A white cross in the sky
Made by planes leaving vaporous trails.

GIFTED TONGUE
What he said was what everyone knows:
That the emperor’s wearing no clothes.
But we have to give credit
For the way Carson said it
And the surgical method he chose.

HILL OF BEANS
“Oh, for goodness sake:
I made a little mistake!
So I lied and lied
And people died:
What difference does it make?”

PRO-CHOICE?
There are so many ways to take lives:
You can do it with bombs, bats, or knives.
A big rock or a fist’ll
Serve as well as a pistol:
It’s a wonder that mankind survives.

MARCH
No, their numbers are never reported
(If they were, they’d be greatly distorted),
But this year in the throng,
Fifty million-plus strong,
Are the souls of the children aborted.

PROTECTED CLASS
“When all private gun ownership’s barred,
I’m sure giving up mine won’t be hard:
I’ll be safe as before,
And perhaps even more —
‘Cause I’ll have a well-armed bodyguard.”

INVOKING THE TENTH
When the government of our nation
Seeks to act without authorization,
Its bad laws don’t apply
And the States nullify
The presumptuously passed legislation.

MAYOR MAY NOT
We can’t know what the future will bring,
What health hazards Fate at us will fling,
But there’s nothing to fear
In Manhattan this year:
Mayor Bloomers has banned everything.