The Year in Verse
A Politickles Retrospective
With last month’s great electoral win,
A new president soon to come in,
And our eight-year-long slump
Sure to end (thanks to Trump),
I can’t wait for next year to begin!
When you’re down to me, you’re through,
No more shopping left to do.
There is only one gift
That will give me a lift:
All I want for Christmas is you.
Our support for the Union was stout,
But we started to entertain doubt,
So we asked about Brexit
And were told there’s no exit:
You check in, but you never check out.
How their “logic” persistently stuns,
These predictable, partisan ones:
Someone loses his life
To an ice pick or knife
And these geniuses say, “Let’s ban guns”!
NUTS TO CASTRO
Though delusions are hard to dispel,
All it takes is the will to rebel,
But what kind of a chump
Fears the businessman Trump
And adores the dictator Fidel?
Trump has won, there’s no way to annul it:
Celebrate with a Thanksgiving pullet,
But, before you eat, nod
And be grateful to God
That our country has just dodged a bullet..
What acclaim does Obama deserve,
Who had nothing to offer but nerve?
Least experienced to start,
Least improved to depart,
The least qualified ever to serve.
Trump supporters must flock to the polls,
Not believe all the negative trolls:
This might be our last chance
To arrest their advance
And outvote all the ghosts on the rolls.
With more dirt every day to defend,
Even Hillary can now see the trend:
“It’s just not meant to be,
I’ll need some place to flee,
My great criminal career’s at an end.”
WHY? WHY? WHY?
“Is it all the untrue things I’ve said?
Is it that I look more than half-dead?
That I’m guilty of treason,
Could that be the reason?
Is that why I am not way ahead?”
Aren’t elitist Republicans quaint?
They’re offended by his unrestraint?
The alternative’s worse,
But to him they’re averse?
Choose a devil ’cause Trump’s not a saint?
If for no other principled reason,
In this present electoral season
With two candidates who
Are repugnant to you,
Choose the one who’s not guilty of treason.
ORGANIZED FOR ACTION
Want some protesters at the mall?
Need to rig an election this fall?
Whatever the job,
The Obamaphone Mob
Is now waiting to take your call.
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear.
Say, ‘I’m sick, dishonest, queer’?
Wait a minute! Hey!
What did I just say?
Someone’s hacked into my ear!”
“This whole issue’s asinine [COUGH]
And there isn’t any sign [COUGH]
Of anything wrong,
So let’s move along:
My physician says I’m fine [COUGH].”
Gary knows what is a depot,
Gary knows what is a Zeppo,
But it’s plain to show
Gary doesn’t know
What the hell on earth’s a leppo.
ON EAGLE’S WINGS
With firm faith in you, Lord, fill us.
With a patriot’s zeal, instill us.
Provide what we need
So that we may proceed
To follow the footsteps of Phyllis.
What kind of a jughead or jerk
Sports a pious, self-satisfied smirk,
Does what’s destined to fail,
What can never avail,
And keeps doing it when it won’t work?
When a Democrat goes to the track,
He will always wind up in the black:
He considers it funny
That he’s betting our money
And will never pay anything back.
WHITE HOUSE OR BUST
She must win to achieve absolution.
If she loses, she’ll face retribution.
If she isn’t elected,
She will soon be subjected
To indictments and swift prosecution.
His objections to Trump are so grim
And he makes them with venomous vim,
But Obama misspeaks
‘Cause his cranky critiques
Are more aptly descriptive of him.
NAME THE PRESIDENT!
Pick one word you might say with a frown,
Use a five-letter word that’s a noun,
Spell it out upper case,
Safely hide it some place:
You alone will see what’s written down.
Though they are authorized to play wardens,
Their abuse of that power disheartens:
When they make lots of dough
Letting criminals go,
When Obama, like Clinton, sells pardons.
Sure, she’s got a few pounds she could lose
(And those pantsuits in multiple hues),
But her one highest hurdle
Besides needing a girdle
Is she’s got a big problem with boos.
Out of date is the slogan some blithering
Adman proposed to a dithering,
Dolt of a client:
“I’m With Her” should be changed to “I’m Withering.”
ARMS & THE MANDATE
What the Second Amendment defends
Is a right on which all else depends:
To resist subjugation
Of ourselves and our nation
And live free as our Maker intends.
Our last names may be Hess, Hock, or Harrigan,
Federov, Feldstein, or Farrakhan,
Nguyen, Wong, Kim, or Pena,
But we’re one and we’re all all-American.
“Don’t worry,” said Bill, “it’s a cinch.
We just need to hang tough and not flinch.
How can acts be illicit
When the boss is complicit
And our friend will come through in a pinch?”
You are British or French in the clutch,
Polish, Spanish, Czech, German, or Dutch,
Greek, Italian, Slovene,
But you’re not “European”:
Reaffirm who you are and be such.
She’s about as exciting as clay
And has nothing of interest to say,
But the muckety-mucks
Give her millions of bucks
‘Cause they know that they must pay to play.
“It’s the second time now that you’ve had
To miss school for the death of your dad.
Did he die more than once?
Do you think I’m a dunce?”
“Losing two fathers, so far, is so sad.”
If she happens to win, what then?
Where will Hillary be sworn in?
Will she be inaugurated
Where she’s incarcerated:
In her cell in a federal pen?
“That corrupt and incompetent frump
Or that slovenly socialist grump?
Either one would be better
Than a genuine go-getter:
We must do what we can to stop Trump!”
LIVE AT THE APOLOGY!
“America has been lawless
And should be held in awe less:
For her acts unwise,
Though I myself am flawless.”
All those Clinton years left Eric older,
His Obama time left Eric colder:
Such experience hardens,
But the selling of pardons
Has undoubtedly left Eric golder.
What he’s done for his “brothers” ain’t much,
With his “roots” he appears out of touch,
But when under attack
He’s decidedly black,
With a race card to play in the clutch.
Bush and Dole and Bush again?
Romney after John McCain?
Reagan and Trump,
You tried to dump?
Grand Old Party, please explain.
SEE YOU LATER, AGITATOR!
Our future would now seem quite bright
If Obama had sought to unite,
If he’d done what he could
To promote brotherhood:
Not the opposite, so to divide.
A ladybug, asked why
She seemed to be so shy
About sharing a shower
On a marigold flower,
Said, “That ladybug’s a guy!”
“Yes, that miserable, mangy old hound
Should be picked up and penned in the pound,
But he wouldn’t have got him
Such a bite from your bottom
If your britches weren’t half to the ground.”
“You may claim that you’re not anti-gay,
But to prove that you mean what you say
You must now demonstrate
That you really don’t hate –
And to do that, there’s only one way.”
YOU’RE IN DOUBT?
“If you’re not really sure of your stance
As to bathrooms, then why take a chance?
Confused about gender?
Do what I do: Surrender —
And just stand there and pee in your pants.”
EASTER EGG HUNT
Across the Net arrayed:
A Hillary cavalcade.
Instead of eggs,
Of every pantsuit shade.
On a phone or computer or pod,
These exclamatory letters are odd:
When you breathe your last breath
And can no longer text,
Will you log off and cry, “Oh, my God!”?
“You can say that you meant it in jest,
Were just kidding, and all of the rest,
But the fact is you broke
A new law with that joke:
Mr. Seinfeld, you’re under arrest!”
They elected a black Forrest Gump,
Whom world leaders dismissed as a chump,
By this churl they were charmed,
Now they say they’re alarmed
At the prospect of President Trump!
“Bernie Sanders, I’m on your team!
It’s so cool you look like ‘The Scream’!
You can bet I would cast
My vote for you fast
If I wasn’t still under eighteen!”
Knowledge of basic facts she neglects,
Truth and logic she simply rejects:
She went to the Academy
Of the Female Anatomy
And will vote on the basis of sex.
BERN, BABY, BERN!
If you’re fired up by someone who panders
To ignorant, idle demanders,
Then place your hope
In a misanthrope:
The self-avowed socialist Sanders.
Did you hear that there’s been a recall
Of that cute little toy at the mall?
Every pull on his string,
He repeats the same thing:
It’s defective, the Rubio doll.
Special Access Programs compromised?
Covert agents exposed, jeopardized?
One so reckless and dumb
Would be sure to become
A commander-in-chief neutralized.
When he’s asked to define what the crisis is,
This man who is known for his vices is
Compelled to resort
To a proven retort:
“It depends what the meaning of ISIS is.”
When he wants to, Obama can cry,
But you won’t see a drop in his eye –
No, he won’t shed a tear –
For the million each year
Of babies aborted who die.
“Though I handled Bill’s bimbo outbreaks,
Doing damage control on ‘mistakes,’
It meant nothing to me
And I really don’t see,
At this point, what difference it makes.”
“I support, I embrace, I exalt
Every victim of sexual assault
– Unless it was Bill
Exercising his will,
In which case, the hussy’s at fault.”