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The World-Famous Fruitcake Poem


The World-Famous Fruitcake Poem

Fruitcakes are a staple of the holiday season, but what if you don’t like them? You may just be stuck, says fruitcakeologist F.R. Duplantier, who warns that it’s nearly impossible to unload the “spice-baked albatross” once you’ve accepted delivery.

On Monday, December 12, 2004, I sent out a limerick about fruitcakes to my politickles subscriber list. Friday, my friend Charley told me he’d heard Paul Harvey reading it that morning on his radio program. Amazing! I also sent out the silly press release excerpted above and wound up being interviewed on morning drive-time radio programs in several major markets. What a wacky world!


by F.R. Duplantier

A fruitcake came one day
And I sent it on its way.
The next day, then,
It was back again,
But here it cannot stay.

I sent it to one brother,
Who sent it to another.
It came back to me,
In a package from my mother.

I sent it to a friend —
At least, he was ’til then.
He sent it back
With a caustic crack
And we never spoke again.

I sent it to my boss
And signed it “Santa Claus.”
My name he guessed
And readdressed
That spice-baked albatross.

I sent it to a client,
Who proved to be defiant:
It seems the space
In his office place
Is fruitcake noncompliant.

I picked someone at random
In hopes that he could stand ’em.
It was returned:
Somehow he’d learned
I was the Fruitcake Phantom.

If a fruitcake comes today,
I think I’ll let it stay.
It’s crystal clear
Its place is here —
And I must move away.

Join the Fruitcake (Haters) Fan Page on Facebook!

One Comment

  1. Steve V.

    I also heard Paul Harvey read “Fruitcake” on his show. I think he read the first two verses. But that was enough to get the hilarious point across.

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