Politickles

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

FAST FORWARD
I remember with special delight
How each holiday had its own rite:
Now that commerce trumps living,
We skip over Thanksgiving
And start Christmas on Halloween night.

From the archive:

CHARGE!
At Thanksgiving we pull out the stopper
On commercialized Christmastime proper:
We’ll have six months to pay,
But stay out of the way
Of the stampeding psychotic shopper!
(2008)

$MAS
There is less than a month left, you know,
Only 21 days in a row,
Barely 500 hours
To buy yours, mine, and ours,
30,000 mere minutes to go!
(2007)

DECK THE GALS
“Merry Christmas!” she crowed, and then smiled,
Leaving less seasoned shoppers beguiled.
“Now get out of my way
‘Cause I don’t have all day
And I must have that toy for my child!”
(2005)

Last week’s limerick:

DRESS CODE
We showed up in our holiday best,
With the exception of one honored guest,
So the dinner was late
And we all had to wait
Because “Tom” was not properly dressed.

Mass times and readings

Food and Drug Administration (FDA) Commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg says “some very explicit, almost gruesome pictures may be necessary” on cigarette labels. . . . Shouldn’t the same standards and cautions be applied to warning labels to alert women about diseases caused by “the pill” and all other forms of harmful hormonal contraception? – Jenn Giroux

Sexual Revolution Was No Accident

After several decades of the sexual revolution, the pill, abortion on demand, “no-fault” divorce, “Friends” and “Two-and-a-Half Men,” we might take some solace that marriage is still the ideal. And why not? It was created by God before any other human institution, it is universally practiced, and it remains, as the U.S. Supreme Court once noted, the “sure foundation of all that is stable and noble in our civilization.” – Robert Knight

[Y]oung people would do well to look at the evidence and agree that marriage is the best, time-tested household arrangement for both men and women and especially for children. Within the committed bonds of marriage, couples have their best hope for the kind of close and fulfilling relationship that most young people say they want. – Janet Shaw Crouse

How I Happened to Get Married

I almost broke 600 the other day, playing computer Scrabble! I made four seven-letter words — one on a triple, triple — for a total of 378 points in four plays! I had 598 and four letters left (cing) when Maven played an eight-letter word and went out and I lost 7 points. Final score: 591-410. Dang! I’ve been trying to break 600 for years. My highest score before this was 569. I was two points away! It was so close! Does your heart bleed for me?

In the past few days, Transportation Security Administration (TSA) policies have been probed almost as thoroughly as the elderly men and teenage girls subjected to one of the agency’s indecent “enhanced” pat-downs. They’ve come up short. TSA’s top man, John S. Pistole, testified Wednesday that he had no choice but to implement the security measures based on the intelligence he has on potential threats. Not that he is willing to share this information. It’s all classified, of course. – Washington Times

The abuse will continue, and worsen, as long as we tolerate it.

Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

DRESS CODE
We showed up in our holiday best,
With the exception of one honored guest,
So the dinner was late
And we all had to wait
Because “Tom” was not properly dressed.

From the archive:

ASK AND RECEIVE
The poor Tinman is lacking a heart,
While the Scarecrow is not very smart;
And the King of the Forest,
Expected to roar best,
Is reluctant to play a brave part.
(2009)

OOH LA LA!
A fried turkey injected with spice,
Shrimp-stuffed mirlitons and dirty rice,
Pecan pie, oyster dressing –
How we rush through the blessing!
Yes, a Creole Thanksgiving is nice.
(2008)

GRATITUDE
If you’re thankful for your lot
And all the things you’ve got,
Then say a prayer
And give a care
For someone on the spot.
(2007)

FAVORITE DISH
How much better can Thanksgiving get?
In my bedroom a 60-inch set,
And in HD displayed
This year’s Macy’s Parade:
Waking up to a scrumptious Rockette!
(2007)

SATIETY
With the turkey and trimmings procured,
Our Thanksgiving repast is assured,
But it won’t be complete
‘Til we sit down to eat
And the family’s as stuffed as the bird.
(2006)

CIRCULAR SAUCE
If your husband’s a Thanksgiving fan
And a cranberry sauce kind of man,
You might make him a batch
Of the sauce all from scratch,
But he’ll miss that weird goop in the can!
(2005)

THANKSGIVING
Lord, we ask of you a boon:
To bless our guests this noon.
We’re so grateful they
Could come today –
And have to leave real soon!
(2004)

GOBBLER
Hold your horses; we’re not in a race.
Get that drumstick away from your face.
Now put your fork down
And stop making that frown.
You can eat when we finish the grace.
(2003)

Last week’s limerick:

NEW DEPARTS
When I travel by air now and then,
The security staff wave me in:
I don’t have to be scoped
Or publicly groped,
I just hand them a lewd 8×10.

Mass times and readings

When I was a kid, all the comic books had ads for x-ray glasses. Intrigued, I ordered a pair. You see, there were several girls in my grammar school class that I suspected of being terrorists and I couldn’t wait to confirm my suspicions.

The first pair I got were clearly defective, so I sent them back.

When the second pair performed no better, my respect for American craftsmanship was greatly diminished.

Unfortunately, in the interim, the mother superior ascertained the purpose of my high-tech specs and confiscated the second pair before I could return them for a full refund.

They didn’t work for her either, however, and she eventually reverted to her mirrored shades.

I was called back to her office a few days later.

There had been complaints about the patdowns.

I was only in 6th grade, mind you, and my cohorts and I had not yet taken civics; but the girls had somehow managed, in some mysterious way, to acquire a keen understanding of their constitutional rights.

So ended my career as a security agent.

As it turned out, there were never any terrorist incidents at my school, at least none perpetrated by the students. Nevertheless, to this day, “better safe than sorry” remains my motto.