Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

WIFE SENTENCE
As evolving positions now gel,
He pronounces this travesty swell,
But you might change your view
About “gay marriage,” too,
If you’d married a mate like Michelle.

From the archive:

MARRIAGE CONTRACT
The biggest mistake of my life
Was plotting to murder my wife,
But a contract assassin
To see to her passin’
Seemed the only way out of my strife.

The killer was ugly and mean,
But would profit from venting his spleen.
Illegal or wrong,
He’d do it so long
As the money I paid him was green.

I showed him the lay of the house
And a photograph made of my spouse.
He collected his fee,
Then came after me
With a razor-sharp dagger — the louse!

I cried, “Put away that big knife
And spare me my miserable life.
The wounds you’re inflictin’
Are in the wrong victim:
I paid you to knock off my wife!”

“I know what you paid me to do,”
He said as he slashed out anew,
“And I fully intend
To do your wife in –
After honoring her contract on you!”

* * *

I survived that two-timer’s knife,
And so did my murderous wife.
We’re both doing well,
Though we’re sharing a cell:
We’ll be cellmates for 20 to Life!
(1985)

TIME TO KILL
A man had a row with his mate
And decided to speed up her fate.
He thought that his wife
Might enjoy afterlife
And he knew that he couldn’t wait.

There were myriad ways he might bag her –
Bow and arrow, blunt object, or dagger,
Or poison or pills –
For there’s so much that kills
(The possibilities made him stagger).

There were hanging and gassing and worse –
The methods too great to rehearse –
And that’s just if he tried
To fake suicide,
For murders were much more diverse.

A compendium of deaths accidental
Holds drowning and falling essential,
Includes hit and run
And cleaning a gun,
And a long list of acts providential.

He thought he’d give toxins a try,
But the chemist had several to buy
And he couldn’t decide
Among cyanide
Arsenic, strychnine, and lye.

He considered a venomous snake,
As well as a time-triggered cake:
A bomb (tick, tick, tick)
Would sure do the trick,
But what kind of a cake should he bake?

A pillow case stuffed in her face
Could be counted to leave not a trace,
But a bat and a brick
And a sharpened ice pick
Are weapons that all have their place.

And, if shotguns had been all the rage,
He would have bogged down on the gauge.
Thus, before he could choose
The best weapon to use,
His poor partner had died of old age.
(1985)

POSTAGE DUE
A man stuffed his mate in a crate
And mailed her away second rate.
She came back the next day:
There was postage to pay –
For the mate had misstated her weight.
(1985)

Last week’s limerick:

DREAMS FROM MY FEATHERBRAIN
“Like a Ninja, I crept ’til I’d gotten
To a spot I could get a good shot in,
Zeroed in on my game,
And then took a dead aim,
Singlehandedly killing bin Laden.”

Mass times and readings

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Politickles.com

Bob’s Other Lists:

• How to Ace an Interview
• Misnomers & Oxymorons
• Shows I’d Like to See
• Top Ten Rhetorical Questions
• You Know You’re A Liberal If . . .
• Things You Don’t Want to Mix Up
• The Wrong Presents for Your Wife’s Birthday
• How Not to Do Damage Control
• Famous Lost Words
• What Bosses Really Mean
• How to Interact with Humorless People
• Why Ordinary TV is Better than Cable
• Funny Things to Say at Work
• Things that Made Playing More Fun
• Lying Words and What They Mean
• Benefits to Homeschooling
• Drawbacks to Homeschooling
  

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Feel free to publish, post, or pass on Your Weekly Politickle by F.R. Duplantier:

DREAMS FROM MY FEATHERBRAIN
“Like a Ninja, I crept ’til I’d gotten
To a spot I could get a good shot in,
Zeroed in on my game,
And then took a dead aim,
Singlehandedly killing bin Laden.”

From the archive:

THE POLITICS OF PERSONAL CONSTRUCTION
“I brought Belfast the peace they desire
And in Bosnia dodged sniper fire!
I’m impossibly grand
And cannot understand
Why I’m called an incorrigible liar!”
(2008)

Last week’s limerick:

COMMITTMENT
When Mitt Romney takes office, we will
Be enacting on Capitol Hill
A total repeal
Of Obama’s Bad Deal:
We can call it the Romneybus Bill.

Mass times and readings

What's the difference between firewood and cashews? Click pic to find out.

After the Good Friday tornado last year, a friend down the street cut up a bunch of his fallen trees and stacked the split firewood along his fence. For some strange reason, his next-door neighbor did not like the woodpile, complained about it constantly, and eventually persuaded the city council to pass an ordinance regulating woodpiles. Never one to pass up an opportunity for a good prank, I drafted the following notice, printed it with the city logo at top, and posted it on my friend’s property.

City Ordinance Wood Pile Investigation & Enforcement

Dear Homeowner:

In response to a recent complaint, the wood pile on your property has been inspected by the City Ordinance Wood Pile Investigation & Enforcement (COWPIE) authority.

Wood piles are rated on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 representing a superior wood pile meeting and/or exceeding the aesthetic standards of adjacent homeowners. It is rare for a wood pile to receive the coveted 10 status. Most fall somewhere in the 5-9 range.

Any wood pile scoring under 5 is considered unacceptable and requires immediate remediation.

We regret to inform you that your wood pile has been rated -5 (minus five). This is beyond unacceptable and is considered scandalous outside of West Virginia and propinquitous portions of Ohio.

A wood pile receiving a negative score indicates a willful and malicious intent to stack wood in an unneighborly manner.

Please be advised that we have also received complaints from outside the city, state, and nation from concerned citizens and foreign nationals randomly viewing Google Maps street views.

Such complaints may lead to inquiries from state and federal authorities, as well as representatives of the International Criminal Court.

It is imperative that you respond to this letter as soon as possible. Penalties begin accruing upon receipt of the initial complaint and double daily.

For more information, contact the COWPIE director, Willie Remus, at [my phone number].

Obama’s Citizenship Status